Self esteem worth $20

I've just lost $20. I remember putting it in my pocket but when I was about to pay I could not find it. I checked my bag and nothing. I must have dropped it. How perfect! Just when I am hoping to at least feel good on a bad day by purchasing some sanity, I've even lost money just like that. As usual, I blame it on the absent minded me, the one who always shows up whenever my self esteem feels trampled on.

This is the last straw! I am tired, tired of being strong when I am actually not. I am fragile, but I think everyone thinks I am not. In fact, I have the reputation of being the uptight one, the killjoy, the one who pops your bubble, hence, I'm supposed to be the rationale one. Heck, I can't even be allowed to feel any irrational feeling! I'm not supposed to feel jealous, I'm not supposed to feel that I need more appreciation. How come she can be like that, he could be like that and everybody's ok with that but when it's me who acts vulnerable or emotional I'm being immature?

Can't they see that I am losing my faith in myself already?

Last week, in my baby's routine check up, her paediatrician was so impressed with my baby's big leap of improvement in her gross motor skills over the past two months and said "Mommy did a good job!" I should be happy to hear that right? But guess what, I could not even make myself take credit for that! I am doubting myself. Could it really be me  who made her achieve that even if I only spend full time with her two days a week when I'm not at work for the past 2 months?!?

I know this is alarming, what I'm feeling. That's why I am going to do something about it. I am going to be selfish. I am going to think of myself for now. I need to heal my self esteem. I am tired of being strong.

I am weak, I am emotional and I am irrational. And I don't have to explain myself for that.