Lesson of the day

I was supposed to write something fluffy today, like about my new dress I wore today and which I really liked, or something that makes a little bit of sense (and actually geeky), like how I actually enjoyed doing configurations and integration of databases during my technical training today.

But nooooo, I have to write another ranting instead! Because I was so much irritated that I wanted to scream my lungs out! Why? Because I missed my bus tonight and the next bus was another half an hour later! And all because I made another wrong choice!!!!

But you can say, so what, we're just human and we're allowed to make mistakes from time to time, right? Yes! However, look at this scenario: you think about this great big plan, which you have been thinking about the whole day, even rehersing your move and what you're gonna say over and over in your mind but then it suddenly happens when you least expect it and you just end up making a fool of yourself because you got rattled and did the exact opposite instead! To think that this has happened to me sooo many times already but I can't seem to do it right! Grrrrrrrrr!!!

Haiz...

Please do excuse me, this is just due to so much pride I have that I am making a big deal out of it. Although, really, it just gets into my nerves even if I would not like it to! Arrrggghh!!!

So the lesson of the day is: learn from your previous lessons!!!

Sigh :(

Ok, ok, I'm gonna calm down...breathe in..breathe out..breathe in..breathe out...

woosaaaaaaaaah....

My first MAC :)

And I'm not talking about the computer of course. :P

It's the MAC make up. As I was inspired by two of my girl friends (hi Mhe! :) whom I have personally seen how good they looked wearing MAC eye make up, I bought my first MAC eye shadow at Changi airport two weeks ago on my way to Ho Chi Minh. It costs 29 something SGD, which is about 10% cheaper than if you buy from the stores in Singapore.

I actually wanted the type where the colors were already mixed, however, they did not have it at the store in the airport so I settled for this two tone pink and bronze colors. Anyhow, I wore it yesterday and I am happy because it was subtle enough for day time and just nice for evening. And with a better brush, it would even look nicer for sure. Perhaps I should get myself a MAC brush next? Hmmm... ;)

When fluffyness fades...

You start to think again of those questions that you could not answer.
You start again to be anxious of what will be or what will not be.
Your emotions start climbing to the peak,
And one simple comment would burst your bubble and crash your confidence like a one strong whip.
Then you start to doubt yourself again.

I will shake this off, of course. But first, I blame this all to hormones...
Yes, it's hard being a woman.

Blue windows of the heart

What happens when you are having an emotional day and you watch Nights in Rodanthe?

You get a heart-shattering, nose runnering (if there is such a word like this, hehe), make up smudging, endless sobbing inside the cinema!

My gosh! Good thing I watched it by myself, I was crying continuously and I couldn't help sniffing loudly. It was embarrassing enough to go out of the cinema with sore eyes and a very red nose! And my gulay, I had a hard time re-doing my make up! hehehe.

Anyways, tears aside, I would like to say that I like the movie, Nights in Rodanthe, not because of the storyline (the story was based on the book by Nicholas Sparks, by the way), but rather, how well the visuals like the cinematography, the location and the very good performance of the actors was used to make a usual story become special in its own way. I especially loved the beach house! Inside and out! And the musical scores used were just perfect to supplement the lovely scenes.

Yeah, it's another chick flick which I'm sure the guys will just roll their eyes at, and for sure, who would only be caught watching it because their girlfriend or wife wanted to watch it. Yep, I'm learnin' ;-)

Geez, I'm sleepy again, to think that I just had 12 hours of sleep last night! Too much crying, I guess. :P

~~~~~~~~~~~

Photo taken from the movie's official website: http://nightsinrodanthe.warnerbros.com/

If I were a man...

...right now, what I'd like to do is to sit in a bar, order for a drink and blabber with the bar tender or some fellow stranger.

Omaritosan is bored

What happens when pseudo bf Omar gets bored at work?

He creates a chat program and uses my name for a dummy user:

oh la la... :P

a shu shu, a shu shu... :P

to-a-tee

After watching the funny movie, The House Bunny last night, I and a girl friend went around The Cathay mall and discovered to-a-tee, a nice store that sells very nice clothes, from cute tshirts to dainty day/night/beach dresses .

I got the privilege to meet the director of the store who was personally attending to the customers with another nice lady (I think it could be his aunt or a close relative). Anyways, they were very accomodating and nice and they gave us a 20% discount plus a S$20 voucher. I told them that I really love their collection. I learned that their collection are from the United States . The owner, Luke Elijah, is a designer and he goes around the world to select the clothes and stuff they sell. What a great job! I could see that this business of his was more than just a source of income, it was a passion. I wish I could do this, you know, pursue a passion and do something not for the money but just because you love doing it.

Anyhoo, so I got myself two nice dresses which are a little bit on the formal. I'm quite excited to wear them and experiment with the hair and make up style that would go with them and of course the shoes. But the only question is when and where? I guess I need to find the right ocassion to do so...

Anyone out there who wants to take me out on a formal dinner date or something? :-P

~~ to-a-tee is located in The Cathay mall in Handy Road, Singapore.

My Tennis Racket Dampener

It's been three years now that I've been playing tennis and I am very much happy of how much I have improved. I am still amazed right now when I find myself having a great rally or a game of tennis with my neighbors because I never thought my level would progress to this.

When I started playing tennis almost three years ago, I've always used a tennis racket dampener because it decreases the vibration when the racket hits the ball. And it was just great for me because I really felt the difference of having it on my racket since it made me be able to retain a stable grip and hit the balls with the correct form.

So all the while I had my dampener on my tennis racket and I had always attributed that my good strokes was because of it. Until I decided tonight to just take it off and just try what would happen. I very much expected that my hitting would turn unstable but oh boy, was I so amazed to discover that my stroke remained there and evenmore, my hits became more powerful! I really couldn't believe it, that all along I was so afraid to take it off because of the thought that I was only having good strokes because of it and all along I had been wondering why my hits wasn't that powerful even if I was hitting very hard. It was the dampener!

Therefore, this is what I've realized: there are things that are there to help us when we are just learning, to give us that firm foundation, that confidence. However, we must know when to let go of this, to discover more of our capabilities, otherwise we might get stuck thinking that we could not do more.

Do you have a dampener that you couldn't take off too?

I guess I wanted something new in my life

A new key to fit a new door
To wake and see a different view in my life
The one i've been waiting for
Dreams like everyone i've had a few in my life
Who knew that this one would come true in my life
I knew the moment when you touched me, you touched me
You're like a sudden breeze that blew in my life
A new face, a new smile, a new song
And now i know i wanted you in my life all along
I guess i must have saved an empty place in my heart
For you to come and fill that space in my heart
That long before i said i loved you, i love you
Whatever happens this is true in my life
When all those springs have come and go
Whatever doubts i've made or do in my life
Whatever else that i may do in my life
You'll always be something, girl, in my life
From now on I know there always will be you in my life
From now on

--lyrics of Stephen Bishop's song "Something New in my Life"

***********

Haha, ok, the song doesn't really have much significance to this post. Just that I suddenly remembered this song because of the first line because I wanted to write some new things that have caught my fancy recently:

Transparent shoe boxes from mujibox - saw these along a stall at Raffles MRT and may I say that this is ingenious! I bought 10 pieces (it's S$3.99 each but it's buy 5 take 5 so it's like just S$2 actually) and it has inspired me to clean the foyer and arrange my shoes neatly. I'm quite amused, really, just looking at my shoe collection. And it just coincides with my seem to be evolving shoe fetish. I've just gotten my DMK privilege card and it means I've actually bought about 5 pairs of shoes for the past 3 months! hihihi :P

Nokia 6600 fold - my new baby (awwww). I have finally decided that I needed to upgrade and catch up with technology. I have no more idea what's the latest about cellphones and so since what I only know is that the latest would be phones that are 3G (and now even 4G), I wanted to get a phone that is a clam shell type, 3G phone. Although, to be honest I don't even know what is 3G! hehehe. But thanks to Ate Prime, we now know that 3G means Third Generation and that there is actually no 2G! ahahaha. :P Anyways, it was also just in time since my old clam phone was already at the verge of saying goodbye to the world.

Painting the town red with Sally Hansen - well, actually just my toe nails only, hehe :P I just saw that I have a red nail polish, which was a gift from last Christmas, and so I thought I'd try it. So this is the first time I'm wearing a red nail polish and boy, it is screaming red. After I finished applying them and I looked at my feet, I said to myself it wasn't me but it does not look bad at all, so I think I just need some getting used to it. ;)

Alrighty, there goes some vanity! ;)

Let's drink to that!

Just sharing two great drinks that I've just discovered and that I really love:

Lychee Jazz with a shot of vodka - I had this last night during my Friday night out my chili girlfriends at our favorite chili hang out, TCC. The combination of this drink and the vodka is really nice. I wonder what vodka they gave us, I don't really think it was Absolut because it was quite light.

photo taken from TCC's gallery

Rheinhessen Flonheimer Binger Berg - Me and my chili girlfriends had this bottle of German white wine today during our wholeday breakfast party (yes, you read it right, it takes us a whole day to have this breakfast party! :). I love the light, sweet taste of this wine and I drank a lot, I think more than 4 servings! Wine is quite lethal to me, my tolerance is very low, like 3 glasses would really put me down so this is really a big achievement for me, I was not even tipsy considering that the alcohol content of this wine was 9.5%. Hooray, finally I found my wine match!!!

Cheers!!! :)

Permission to be fluffy

My dearest Mr. Paulo Coelho,

First of all, I would like to make it clear that I love you, I love your writings very much. I love your thoughts and they have been part of my inspirations in how I live my life. I have found a great source of comfort from reading your books and thoughts. Thank you very much for sharing them wth us, to the world. I find that there are many of your principles and insights that I concur with, and I am sure you know how much a great relief it is for someone to find another with similar thinking.

You have told us that each one of us has our own personal legend and that we should find it, then fulfil it. You have made it clear that indeed contentment in life is not about having more than what one needs and that indeed the greatest pleasures in life come from simple things.

You have encouraged us to love, for indeed there is no greater happiness than to love and to be loved back. You have not given up with the world and you continue hoping and doing whatever you can to help attain a state of world peace. You have not lost trust.

I do support you in all of these things, but I also would like to let you know that it has not been easy. My life has been full of ironies, that most of the time I think one of fate's favorite past times is to tease me.

I work in the information technology industry, moreso, in the financial domain, the heart of which is all about money making. I have always been competent in this profession and yet I have always been uneasy, like there is something else I should be doing, that which would be more fulfilling. Something that entails caring, not about how to grow more money, but about growing the soul of the community, of the humanity. And yet I cannot quit and shift. Because I need it, to see the world and to keep the quality of life, which is not only mine, but also of those around me. Indeed, what I have realized in time is that the notion about the sense of existence and concern for others can only arise when one is beyond the need to survive. It is the same reasoning as to why we understand when a homeless beggar's concern is where to find food that would keep him alive for the day instead of thinking of how to save mankind. One cannot help others without first helping himself.

I have opened my heart to love, I have kept on being generous of my trust. And yet here I am now, all left with a broken heart. The more I reveal myself, the more I lose myself...

So what am I trying to say? That I am clamming up to the world?

No.

What I am trying to say is that I need to change my perspective a bit. I need a break from thinking deep. I cannot believe if myself, but going through all of what I've been through, I could say that being too perceptive hurts. I need to find that balance, that approach that would neither be too banal nor too eccentric.

Therefore, I would like to say that I am giving it a rest of heart and mind. I do assure you that what I am about to do or to become is not actually about forgetting who I really am. I am just going to focus on the more lighter side of life. Indeed, I do believe that being shallow is very much different from being light.

Yes, it's another start of a new life for me. Thank you very much for hearing me out and for understanding my new approach as a warrior of light.

There's a rainbow always after the rain

It's another Monday once again. Another start of a work week. Still have to find yet how I could jumpstart myself to get some things done today, hopefully after lunch I'll get that push.

Anyhow, since my chili friends seem to have some music inspired blog entries lately, I would like to do the same.

Chili babe Aoisoba is singing goodbye hopeless dreams

Chili babe Ays is singing taking chances

Chili babe Diovabe is singing about the man who can't be moved

Here's what I'm singing (and this is also for you, chili babe Eypooh):

What's your song for today?

Of broken trust and giving up

May I share with you this story from one of my most treasured books, Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho:

Charity Under Threat

Some time ago, my wife went to the aid of a Swiss tourist in Ipanema, who claimed he had been robbed by some street children. Speaking appalling Portuguese in a thick foreign accent, he said that he had been left without his passport, without any money, and with nowhere to sleep.

My wife bought him lunch, gave him enough cash to pay for a hotel room for the night while he got in touch with his embassy, and then left. Days later, a Rio newspaper reported that this 'Swiss tourist' was, in fact, an inventive con-artist who put on an accent and abused the good faith of those of us who love Rio and want to undo the negative image - justified or not - that has become our postcard.

When she read the article, my wife simply said: 'Well, that's not going to stop me helping anyone.'

Her remark reminded me of the story of a wise man who moved to the city of Akbar. No one took much notice of him, and his teachings were not taken up by the populace. After a time, he became the object of their mockery and their ironic comments.

One day, while he was walking down the main street in Akbar, a group of men and women began insulting him. Instead of pretending he had not noticed, the wise man turned to them and blessed them.

One of the men said:

'Are you deaf too? We call you the foulest of names and yet you respond with sweet words!'

'We can each of us only offer what we have,' came the wise man's reply.

~o~o~o~

One of the things that deeply hurts is a broken trust. It hurts to the point that it could even be traumatic, especially when it not only happened once, but more than twice or thrice. It makes you want to just give up altogether.

But why should we give up the fight? It would just make the bad people prevail in this world. The lost of trust in mankind is what makes us live in disharmony, because we are afraid to be outwitted by the other.

But if we let this fear take over us, we will never find peace. The heart's function is to love, and when the heart gets broken and we keep it like that it would never heal up and fulfil what is was made for. It is just like driving: when you get into an accident because of another person's fault, should you let it scare you and stop you from driving anymore? No. Otherwise, you will end up totally losing confidence on yourself and forgetting how to drive.

It is not easy to do this, I know. For it is but natural that our defenses would go up when we get hurt. But then again, it does not mean we should let it shut us out from love. We learn from mistakes from facing it instead of running away from it. It is the way for us to be better equipped, to be stronger and wiser than before. Of course, it is no guarantee that we would never get hurt anymore. There is always a risk involved. But then again, I do believe that the heart is strong. As long as we keep it beating, it will one day finally find the one true soul that it lives in search for.

And it will be all worth it.

I pray and thank God for the good people in this world who remain with unfaltered spirits amidst all the hardships encountered.

Blessed be those who are lost, may they realize that the way for their selves to become whole is not by breaking others.

WTF!!!!

This is unbelievable!!!!

The world is full of freakin' schizos!!!!

Be very careful, be really very careful.

They now come in forms you wouldn't easily recognize. Better upgrade your schizo radars!

Seriously.

Isa Kang Malaking Palitaw!

This entry is dedicated to my pretty chili friend, Ays, who is obviously blooming.

Why so?

Must be because she's crossed over to the dark side...not! :-P

Must be because she just got back from a short holiday in Hong Kong....not! :-P

But I think it has something to do with both things, hehehe *wink*wink*

Wish her bloom would rub off on me, I sure could use some right now.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrggggggghhh!!!!

I have just discovered that I have deleted all my pictures from Hanoi from my camera without having uploaded them to my hard drive!!! It is plain stupid of me!!! I would like to strangle myself right now!!!

:(

No, they are not in the recycle bin.

Another Starbucks city mug adventure

14 Sept 2008
5:08pm
Tokyo, Japan

So here I am again at Narita airport. I have been thinking about it and realized that this is my eighth time here. Imagine that, eight times I've been here in Japan but I've never seen it still. Talk about being in a place physically, but not actually being there.

Anyways, since my flight from LA was an hour ahead of its scheduled arrival here, I have three hours layover. I've never explored this airport before since usually my layovers were just an hour or two, just enough to go through the security checks, freshen up in the washroom and find the next gate. Well, now I had some more time, so I went around, in search of Starbucks. I was excited when I found it on the map and even more when I got into the store. I was amazed to find city mugs, in a different style than the ones I was used to. What a joy to see those colorful mugs! I settled to buy the Tokyo mug since I've only been here to Tokyo. Well, in fact, just what I have said earlier, I don't even know if this qualifies as being here but well, come on, I've been here 8 times.

Anyhow, it was fun buying that Tokyo mug plus a Soy latte because the barista didn't speak English except for two or three words but we understood each other when he asked me if I'd like to have the mug gift wrapped and when I asked if I could pay by credit card. It was nice, even if I have no idea how much I paid for that (I do not have an idea of the foreign exchange conversion for JPY).

The Conclusion to the San Diego Fable

Two years ago, an ugly duckling got lost and cried in the zoo. But the ugly duckling found a friend in the white swan. Life continued then with such a better one, having each other from then on as light. Now, the ugly duckling understands why the string got caught up to its feet. It was not because the string was actually tied up but merely because the ugly duckling was pulling on to it. When the ugly duckling let go, it was like the string never existed.

Thank you, Captain Marvel.

Now, Supergirl can fly.

Thoughts from the Riverside yard

Wednesday, 5:25pm

Riverside, CA

Sitting here on my purple sarong that I laid on the grass in the frontyard, with music playing in my earphones; with the California sun still shining (but about to set) and the cool breeze on my hair and face, I can say that this moment is one of my most relaxed state.

.

.

And thoughts were written down, which will either be remembered or will just be part of another archive...

Thursday, 10:48am
Riverside, CA

I'm in the backyard. Almost the same setting as yesterday in the front yard. Only now it's morning and I'm sitting on a comfortable garden chair. And here, I'm sure grandpa won't be able to accidentally lock me out, hehehe.

I'm almost regreting what I had written down yesteday, especially after having a nightmare last night, which obviously was because I have been thinking about my fears, my paranoia, and only to wake up this morning and find out that my nightmare came true.

But good thing this is something that I could still shake off. Nothing that mugs of coffee and good dance music on my earphones couldn't shake off.

And thank God for technology, my friends are just an email away.

Please return to your seatbelts

So, I'm back in sunny California. For this trip from Los Angeles to Washington DC and back, we took a flight with Virgin America and I am very much impressed with their aircraft and service that I really just have to make a write up about it.

They have a very cool plane interior: with mood lights, the white back seats and they have the biggest leg room in all the airplanes I've been onto, even more than the Boeing 747's. It's quite amazing, really, for an A320 aircraft since I could really see the difference compared with other airlines I've flown with their A320 aircraft.

Plus, they have a cool entertainment system which they call Red (runs on Linux operating system using Red Hat) where you can listen to music, watch movies, TV or MTVs and most importantly, order food! It makes a big difference in terms of convenience, right? Water and soda are free, but for alcohol drinks as well as some pay per view movies, you could pay it thru your credit card right then and there as well. They also have a very cool safety video, they used cartoons instead of the usual stiff acting cabin crews, hehehe.

Lastly, the crew were trained to be cool in the way they make announcements too, not the usual formal scripted announcements. I noticed that they make it sound animated, so just like talking in a tone like talking to someone you know. It's really nice. It was really entertaining especialy on our way back from DC to LA, the cabin crew who made the announcements seemed new because while he tried to have the animated, informa tone, he sounded nervous and made some mistakes, he actually said "Please return to your seatbelts" at one time.

And what about the price? It's actually even cheaper than the other local flights from other airlines. Definitely value for money.

Check out their website: http://www.virginamerica.com/va/home.do

The Legend of the Starbucks NYC mug

The usual souvenir I get when I go to a place besides a magnet and a shotglass is a Starbucks city mug. When I first went to New York three years ago, I have not started this collection, and maybe the Starbucks city mug might not have been existing yet cause I only started collecting them 2 years ago. Anyhow, I have not had any difficulty getting these city mugs in the cities I've been to including the major cities here in United States like LA, San Francisco and Washington DC. The mugs are usually available in the first Starbucks store I go into. They even have one in Bali, Indonesia.

And so I was quite surprised to find out that in Manhattan, where I think there would have the most number of Starbucks stores, the New York city mug was not available. Just around the area in Times Square there's almost one at every two blocks. However, I went to six different stores and there was no city mug! In the fifth store, we asked the staff about it and she seemed to have no idea what we were talking about. It made me wonder if the Starbucks New York city mug do exist. On the 6th store, when I asked if they have the mug, I got my hopes up when the guy said he thinks they may have it and looked at their stock shelves but...alas, nada. But he did confirm it actually exists when I verified with him if it does really exist, they just ran out of it. But then again, what if we weren't talking about the same thing? Coz isn't it so odd that all 6 stores had run out of stock? If those mugs were that in demand, surely Starbucks would have thought of producing more and sellingmore, right? So I left New York city without a Starbucks city mug with me :(

I think my family has been challenged and intrigued with this mug now. On our drive back from NY to Maryland, my new brother in law pulled the car over a stopover place in New Jersey where there was Starbucks. He said maybe they would have the NYC mug or if not, maybe a New Jersey mug, but as I have expected, nothing. Then when we made another stop over after a couple of hours, I finally found a Starbucks city mug. But it's not New York city mug, it was a Philadelphia mug but what the heck, I just bought it anyways, since my only condition for having a city mug is that I should have been to that city. And even if we're just driving through, we did stop there, so I guess that counts. I felt something odd about buying that Philadelphia mug though so I asked my new bro-in-law where we were actually. He just smiled at me. I looked at my receipt, we were in Delaware. Nyek. :/

That's love

He's been in love with her since highschool. He joined the school choir just to be with her. She's turned him down for so many times. I can still remember those days a little more than a decade ago when she would tell me how annoyed she was with his persistence.

I've seen her grow up into a fine young lady, witnessed how she fell in and out of her first love, then fell in love again and got deeply hurt. I've seen her cry her heart out and tried to hold on to something that wasn't there. He has been living thousands of miles away but he has been there all along, not leaving her.

And today, I've witnessed them take each other as husband and wife, to have and to hold, to love, to cherish and be faithful to each other, for as long as they live.

When my sister accepted his proposal to marry him, I asked her how was she able to know that he was the right man for her. She answered that with the right man, the things that happened that led to her being hurt would be corrected, like re-living the events once more but this time they happen in the right way. I admire her for that, for her courage. After getting hurt, she had been cautious but she did not get afraid, and she never gave up on love. Perhaps, I too should still give love a chance.

Kayan and Mac

5 Sept 2008

Old Town Alexandria, Virginia

This entry is brought to you by the number 10

Nasamid - this is a Tagalog verb which I can't think of any direct word transalation in English. But it is what happens when you make a discoordination between your swallowing and breathing and you choke a bit in what you're eating or drinking.

So this happened to me this afternoon while eating icecream at the park in front of the White House. We Filipinos have a belief that when this happens to you, it means somebody must be thinking of you or could be talking about you. And so we usually ask someone for a number to know the first letter of the name of the person who that could be. So I asked my big sister for a number and she answered number 10 and I counted:

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J...

Hmmnnn....

Won't you tell me how to get, how to get to Washington, DC? :P

Sleepless in Maryland

It's 4:38a.m. here in Maryland and I can't seem to make myself go sleep.

Could it be because I slept most of the time during the flight from LA to DC?

But it was just 5 hours of flight and I only had a couple of hours' sleep the night before so I should be knackered by now.

Could it be because this is the first time I am in this place?

Nah, I'm used to travelling and sleeping in different places. I can even sleep in a tent at a campsite.

Could it be because I ate too much ice cream for dessert last night?

Well, my stomach did get a bit upset from the milk but not really much to disturb me.

Could it be because of the big mug of coffee I had at midnight?

Maybe. But then again, I am used to having coffee at any time of the day and I think I'm already actually immune to it.

Could it be because of the new timezone I am at?

Ahh, yes, perhaps that's it. It's actually just 1:38am in California and I have only just adjusted to the West coast time coming from Singapore time, then now I'm in another time zone and I have yet to adjust on the east coast time. Yeah, maybe my body clock is quite confused right now.

Could that be really the reason? Or is there something else in my mind?

Hmmm, perhaps there is.

Will this dream come true?

1 Sept 2008
Anaheim, CA

When you wish upon a star...

While waiting for the fireworks in front of Sleeping beauty's castle tonight, there was a guy who asked the security if they could have a quick photo session at the area in front of the castle which was already secured. I think it was for pre-nuptial photos. The security was kind enough to let them so they posed and took pictures there in front of the crowd. Their last pose was the guy kneeling down to the girl and holding her hand. Then some of the people applaused after that, I think they found it sweet or perhaps they thought it was a marriage proposal.

I smiled. I found it sweet too as I admired how the guy was very determined to get a photo there with his beloved. (Sigh) That's love.

Then a thought suddenly crossed my mind: I asked myself, would I like to be proposed at in front of hundreds of people? Well, I don't really feel comfortable to be the center of attention, and I wouldn't want that special moment to become like a theatre play, but at the same time, I do would like to have some kind of spotlight on me on this moment. Then voila, suddenly, I just knew what would be the perfect way of proposing marriage to me. I actually surprised myself a bit, because I thought I'm already jaded and that I have already made myself stop thinking of these cheesy things. But well, I was in Disneyland and it is a happy place so I guess I only had happy thoughts.

Anyways, I am going to write it down and then I will forget about it after this. Here goes: I would be someplace with a lot of people, but it would be in a happy place, something like...yeah, Disneyland. I would be in the middle of a crowd of people walking their own ways on one sunny day, and I would be waiting for him since he said he'd just go get something and said he'll be back quickly. So I wait, and then I look at the happy people passing around me -- happy children, happy parents, happy young couples.

I smile. And I think about my beloved and I start to look out for him, for his return. I look out at the throngs of people who do not know me and who do not know him. He's not there. Then I look around and around again, still not there. Where could he be? I wonder.

Then I look out once more and there, in the crowd, I see a familiar face, and our eyes lock and he holds up one arm to reveal two dozens of very red roses he is holding. He smiles as he starts to walk towards me. And there, with hundreds of people, it will feel like it is just me and him that is there. Then he stops in front of me, hands me the roses and kneels down. He takes my right hand and says the magical words as he holds out the ring that is only meant for me. I will say yes and we will kiss and embrace tightly. And we will live happily ever after...

Indeed, I hope that this dream is one those that do come true...

Other more time worthy stuff

(In no particular order)

1. Inquire about Pump tennis (http://www.mbpsports.com/)
2. Spring clean our flat: my bedroom, my bathroom, the kitchen, laundry area, dining area, living room, foyer...everything!
3. Think of a way to actually make myself do a regular maintenance cleaning of our flat.
4. Read my backlog books and my new books.
5. Organize my personal documents.
6. Write more thoughts.
7. Review my elementary french and start on intermediate.
8. Use up my remaining movie vouchers before Sept 17
9. Take a photo of this certain gazebo I fancy.
10. Do not let myself think of work outside office hours.
11. Go out more with friends.
12. Think about investments(?)
13. Learn to bake.
14. Sign up at marathons.
15. Volunteer at YMCA.
16. Plan a travel with my parents.
17. Find a way to get to Guam from Singapore in December without getting broke.
18. Change my tennis racket handle grip.
19. Print my parents' travel photos.
20. Clean up, organize and back up my files.
21. Get new curtains for the living room and my bedroom.
22. Organize my playlists in my Zen player.
23. Attend more dance classes.
24. Inquire on flute lessons.
25. Create a website for my little sister's church wedding.
26. Go for a regular swim in our condo's pool.
27. Ride the luge in Sentosa.
28. Catch up with people I miss.
29. Buy pillowcases in Chinatown that my mother wanted.
30. Find out how to make my pimples disappear and not appear again.
31. Go to church.
32. Create that concluding blog entry.


There, that should keep me occupied!

Fascination and Hyperventilation

These two are parts in the cycle that I have seem to be into in relation with men eversince I made myself available in the ocean.

Fascination would be the first part. A man gets fascinated with me, maybe because I am friendly, I am bubbly. And perhaps because I have that naive look on me and then he gets amused to find out that I am actually capable of becoming daring.

Then I get serious. I fall for him. And I start to show my deep, thinking side.

Which leads to the second part of the cycle: hyperventilation. Hyperventilation is when you cannot breathe properly; you take breaths in short intervals, like you are running out of air, gasping; and your heart beats faster than normal; it would be like that of an asthma attack, I suppose. This happens because at some point, I would encounter an experience that would indicate to me that this man's fascination to me has ended. It will happen in such a way that I would feel like an ice cold pail of water is thrown on my head, at the moment I am not expecting it. Then yes, the hyperventilation follows after. The pail of water actually has a pattern too -- usually, it'll be in the form of another woman.

So it'll hurt. After all the effort and putting your guards down to express that you like him, you would get an in-your-face-slap of icing that says the joke is on you.

Well, ok, maybe I'm just gullible. And I guess it's just me and all of what I'm doing are all just self-inflicted?
Hello?!?!? Why would I want to torture myself?!?!

Fine, if that's the name of the game, then I'm outta it. Am I sounding so bitter now? Hmm, I'm not really bitter. I'm just tired. I'm tired of all these games that men play. I don't find it flattering at all to be approached by men who think I'm an easy prey. Before, I used to give the benefit of the doubt and extend my patience but now I just want to put a sign board in front of me to say:

"Stay away if you just want to play. Please don't waste my time. I'm a good girl. And even if I tried to be wild, the thing is, I was designed to be just the girl-next-door. I'm not somebody made to be just a fling. I'm someone you bring home to your parents. I'm naive, I'm gullible.Oh, I'm boring? Fine. I'm sure you'll find lots of fun girls out there, I am not competing with them. Bye."

Anyway, my point is, I am really, really, really, tired from all of this. I am tired of being like always up on my toes, waiting for the catch, you know that pail of water to end it all even when things seemed to be happy. I'm just so done with all these. I am not letting it happen again. I don't care if I would seem unreceptive or cold, I am not exerting extra effort anymore, even if I like him.

But what if I finally have met Mr. Right? Well, too bad, since he came at this point, he just have to endure the consequences that the other Mr. Wrongs have brought about. I know I am not being fair, but at this point, I have to take precaution now, I have to take care of myself or totally lose the remaining trust I have left for the male specie. Besides, if he is the Mr. Right, he would stick around, to break the cycle, to tell me that he is staying and that he is not just passing through my life. He is going to melt the heart that I have already frozen. And there is no catch, just sincere true love.

There, all's said. Now, let's move on to other more time worthy stuff.

When You and Me is You and Me and not Just Me

I've just attended a friend's civil wedding. It was my first time to actually witness a Singapore Rites of Marriage ceremony (bride and groom are Filipino). It was a simple ceremony held at the living room of their flat, with a few friends gathered. And I was deeply moved as I cannot help but admire the sincerity of their wedding. You can really see how true friends help you make your special day be really special, no matter how simple; from their flatmates who decorated their place, a simple program organized, friends who took the the photographs and video.

During the ceremony, when they were saying their vows and signing their marriage certificate, I realized to myself that oh my God, we are really adults now and we can actually get married to anyone at anytime if we want to, no matter what anyone says. My friends are a few years younger than I and they made a decision to spend the rest of their lives together, no matter what, no matter if there were objections from anyone. And I admired them for that, as I know what they have gone through, how they have fought for their love. I admire my friend very much, for being strong because she knows how much she loves him, and I admire her husband, because he took his stand for her, that's how much he loves her. It makes my heart feel warm, that in these modern times when things get more and more jaded, there are still love stories like my friends' which proves that love, yes, that romantic love that bursts out with determination, still exists.

I can't help but remember my first love that I gave up. The story was similar as my friends', only it did not end the same obviously. Everyone did not understand why I gave it up, everyone thought we were a perfect couple and it was a perfect relationship. It wasn't. And I wouldn't have given up if I knew that I wasn't alone in my battle. It wasn't even a you-and-me-against-the-world drama, it was just mine. I have no regrets for ending that relationship, I felt sad for the good memories, yes, because I know he loved me sincerely, but I knew that it wasn't enough and it had to end and even if anyone ask me now, 5 years after it ended, if I would still do the same, I would answer a straight yes, I would still decide the same. There are certain things that just wasn't meant to be and you just know that it is already over.

Focus, focus

Don't let the rain get you.

Breathe...

Focus, focus.

I can do this.

Bon courage....

7,107 reasons to go back to the Philippines

It has been raining the past few days during the morning, and it's not just the usual Singapore rain, it had been raining really hard, with strong winds, thunder and lightning. This morning was again another one. Perhaps these rains might be related to the typhoon in the Philippines, which I heard was very strong. It's going down south, so maybe...But the good thing about here in Singapore is that there are no typhoons, and rains last for only a few hours, and so I expected that the rain would stop by noon and my BBQ + Swimming party in the afternoon would go as planned.

By early afternoon, the rain did stop, although the weather remained cloudy. I prepared the food for the party: tilapia fish, squid, pork chops, chicken, corn, marshmallows and the dish i most enjoyed preparing -- the Japanese style skewer of asparagus wrapped in bacon. It was a lot of work but I was happy because I think this was the first time I hosted a party at my place in my 3 years of my residence there. Not that I didn't want to, but I live in the northwest part of Singapore and most of my friends live in the east and therefore, my area was not really a choice for party venues. I am often teased that I already live in Malaysia, which I don't mind being teased about, because my place is indeed near the border of Johor Bahru :) But the west is very homey and tranquil, so even if most of my friends like the east because it was nearer the city, I still preferred to stay where I was. Anyways, 5pm arrived and my friends started to arrive, and after a couple of hours and some unexpected challenge to make the fire start and make some good charcoal burning, we finally managed to get the food cooked.

I had a lovely and fun evening with my good friends over our yummy barbecue dinner. For dessert we had some of my two "birthday" cakes which a couple of friends brought. Yeah, it wasn't my birthday but I think in some way it was, as I am about to do something that would be like my rebirth.

I believe that there comes a time in your life that somehow you feel like you lost yourself -- from trying to catch up with people's expectations, with the norms, with your own goals, with the bites of reality, with heartaches; from having no choice but to grow up and become an adult. And what better way to find yourself again than to trace back from where you grew up.

So, I am going back to the Philippines, my land, my home, my roots.

The Trial of the Just

A month down the road, I am back on my feet, moving on. However, there are still times that will hit me and suddenly I will feel scared and weak and I start to question again why things happened as such and why I had to suffer even if my intentions are pure. During my weakest days, both my mother and my mom advised me to pray. My mom said to call on the holy spirit to be with me, my mother said to read the Proverbs. Indeed, mothers know best; I opened my Bible and read the one that made me have a good sleep that night.

Psalm 73

1 A psalm of Asaph.

How good God is to the upright, the Lord,

to those who are clean of heart!

2 But as for me, I lost my balance; my feet all but slipped,

3 Because I was envious of the arogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 For they suffer no pain; their bodies are healthy and sleek.

5 They are free of the burdens of life; they are not afflicted like others.

6 This pride adorns them as a necklace; violence clothes them as a robe

7 Out of their stupidity comes sin; evil thoughts flood their hearts

8 They scoff and spout their malice; from on high they utter threats.

9 They set their mouths against the heavens, their tongues roam the earth.

10 So my people turn to them and drink deeply of their words.

11 They say, "Does God really know?", "Does the Most High have any knowledge?"

12 Such, then, are the wicked, always careferee, increasing their wealth.
13 Is it in vain that I have kept my heart clean, washed my hands in innocence?

14 For I am afflicted day after day, chastised every morning.

15 Had I thought, "I wil speak as they do," I would have betrayed your people.

16 Though I tried to understand all this, it was too difficult for me

17 Till I entered the sanctuary of God and came to understand their end.

18 You set them, indeed, on a slippery road; you hurl them down to ruin.

19 How suddenly they are devastated; undone by disasters forever!

20 They are like a dream after waking Lord, dismissed like shadows when you arise.
21 Since my heart was embittered and my sould deeply wounded,

22 I was stupid and could not understand; I was like a brute beast in your presence.

23 Yet I am always with you;

24 With your counsel you guide me, and at the end receive me with honor.

25 Whom else have I in the heavens? None beside you delights me on earth.

26 Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever.

27 But those who are far from you perish; you destroy those unfaithful to you.

28 As for me, to be near God is my good, to make the Lord God my refuge.I shall declare all your works in the gates of daughter Zion.

**********

This is for us, missy. Let's not give up.

Mixing business and pleasure in Bali, Indonesia

I had been curious about Bali and had wanted to go there ever since I learned about its existence, not because of its popularity for what is, but for what I thought it was. I had this wrong notion that Bali was the same island called Bali Hai in the movie musical South Pacific. I have been fascinated with it ever since I watched this movie when I was 11 years old. Anyhow, Bali Hai is fictional but Bali, Indonesia is real :) and thanks to my company, I finally had the opportunity to go to the real Bali for one weekend. I went there with my colleagues for our annual company jamboree/convention.

Before our flight to Bali from Singapore, we were warned by our Singaporean tour guide to be attentive at all times at the Immigration because he said it is known as being corrupt. I thought this remark was very derogatory to the Indonesian government. However, I didn't expect that I would have to agree with him based on experience. We arrived at Denpansar airport at 9:35pm, me and my Southeast Asian colleagues queued up to the Immigration line for foreigners not needing any visa on arrival. I think the officer we queued at for was not in a good mood that night as he just suddenly refused entry of my Vietnamese colleague in the line ahead of me, telling him that he needs a visa and that he needed a return ticket. Then I went next, I presented my passport, my embarkation card and return ticket. The Immigration officer rudely asked which company I am travelling for, I replied with my company's name twice as he could not understand it. Since my planeticket was booked for the whole group (all our names were on the same e-ticket), after he let me in, he knew that he had no more excuse not to let my Vietnamese colleague in as well. My colleague was pissed off, of course ,and I was a little too, because I didn't expect something like that to happen since I've been to other parts of Indonesia (Bintan and Batam) before and did not encounter such a scene. Then at the customs, they were really opening and rummaging through the bags! But since we were there as a large group and I think the tour guides did some talking to the customs officers, they didn't check for ours. Anyways, the not so nice experience ends at the airport, thankfully.

Outside the airport, each one of us was greeted with a lei of flowers before we boarded the bus that would bring us to our hotel. By 10:30pm, we were on our way. Our local group guide was so enthusiastic in giving information about Bali, especially Kuta, which, according to him, is "where the happenings are". He gave some details, like how much the taxi from our hotel to Kuta would approximately cost, to go to Bounty bar/club to party, etc., etc. While he was saying this, I didn't really much care, because I knew I wouldn't have the time to go there since it was already quite late that night and our hotel was located in a secluded area in Jimbaran, a good 20 minutes away by taxi from Kuta. Besides, I was meeting a fellow travbuddy for a late night drink in my hotel.

But what do you know, three hours after, I found myself in Kuta, dancing on a ledge in Bounty bar! Yeah baby! :P Thanks to fellow travbuddy Manuel (as I've told before, you can find sincerely nice people in www.travbuddy.com), I had a crazy, wonderful, fun first night in Bali. We went drinking vodka, gin and the killer native palm drink that finally got me drunk and puking (in the toilet and not all over the place, ok! :P ) Woohoo! ;-)

I spent the whole of Saturday for the company activities scheduled. In the morning I went for my Aquatonic seawater therapy pool session* and the afternoon I spent in the hotel ballroom with my colleagues for the 4 hour speech by the big bosses. By the end of their speech, they mentioned that next year's jamboree would be held in a boring place since they were made aware of the torture we were going into, being in Bali but not being able to explore the place, hehehe. In the evening, we had our company gala dinner where we wore the traditional Indonesian sarong and headpiece. While dinner was served, we were mesmerized by the Balinese dance performances because of how good the dancers were in using distinct and snappy movements of their arms, legs, neck and most especially, their eyes. We were served some native dishes for the dinner, which were ok although I didn't quite fancy because I am not really into curry and spices. After dinner, as like last year, there was the usual free flow of champagne and lots of drunken dancing. But me and my roommate/friend/colleague, Donnah, retired early and by 10pm, called it a night.

I made Sunday to be the time for me to explore Kuta in daylight. At half past 8 am, I was walking around the small alleys where you could see lots of shops selling souvenirs, surfing and beach stuffs, scooter rentals, tattoo shops, white water rafting and other activities booking agents. At 9am I met Manuel again and he was kind enough to accompany me for the day. It was nice to hang out at the famous Kuta beach and see surfers and people basking in the sun. Although as I've expected, there were a number of vendors who could be persistent in selling you different stuffs: from food, drinks, ice cream, accessories, to massage, tattoos and braiding your hair. The key to avoiding them? Do not talk to them even just to say No nor make eye contact (although I found it hard at first due to my usual courtesy) and if this doesn't work out, you can always try to pretend to be a hooker and tell them you were also just there in the beach for money like them ;-P (hehehe, just kidding on this one).

We had a yummy lunch of wrapped marlin and went to buy my usual souvenir collection: a shotglass that was overpriced at 50,000 Indonesian rupiah but we bargained at 10,000; and a Bali Starbucks city mug (yay!). By 5:45pm I needed to go to Hard Rock cafe to meet my colleagues for dinner before we head to the airport and take our flight to Singapore. I was surprised to see the traffic jam and I was sure that I'm not gonna make it at 6pm in Hard Rock Cafe' if I take the taxi even if it was just a good 2 to 3 kilometers away. Good thing that there was an ingenious alternative: off I went with a local who took me to Hard Rock Cafe' via his scooter (look ma, no helmet on! :P)

Dinner with my colleagues turned out to be not in Hard Rock Cafe' but in the restaurant in Hard Rock Hotel, and it took me a while to find my company's reservation because it turned out the reservation was under the event organizer's name. Good thing the hotel receptionist was very kind to assist me and extended all the help he could give (and so in the end I couldn't refuse him when he asked for my email address, gulp :S). This is one of the things I most liked about Bali, I find the people nice and friendly (except in the Immigration). I was always mistaken as Indonesian so they spoke to me in their language and when they learn that I was not Indonesian, the locals still treat me nicely and they are quite curious where I was from and would always smile back if you smile at them. Anyways, by 9pm, I was in the airport doing some last minute souvenir shopping while waiting for our flight back to Singapore.

Today, I am happily writing this with a bit of sunburned shoulders. ;)

I really had a fun time in Bali, it was short but definitely memorable and I definitely would like to go back there again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Information from

http://www.ritzcarlton.com/en/Properties/Bali/Spa/Menu.htm:

"The Ritz-Carlton, Bali Thalasso & Spa's Aquatonic® seawater therapy pool is the crown jewel of the Spa. Effortlessly exercise your way through 14 hydromassage stations using the pool's therapeutic jet streams, micro-bubbles and geysers to rehabilitate injured muscles, to relieve stress and for relaxation. "

Photocredit: Picture of the infinity pool is courtesy of Donnah.

Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da

They say that for every hurtful experience there is a lesson to be learned.
So what have I learned this time?

If it is too good to be true, it is not true!

HAHAHAHAHAHA. :P

Gosh, if learning from being brokenhearted was an academic course, perhaps by now I have a Master's degree on it. But oh please, I hope I don't have to earn a PhD on it in the future! Oh no, no, no!

Kidding aside though, there is indeed something good that comes up from each of the downs we have in life. We discover something new about ourselves, our weaknesses, and our capabilities as well. Then we grow more as a person, we become stronger as we find a way to face it. That is, if we do treat each challenge as a learning experience instead of something to pull us to our complete downfall.

I know I don't need to go on analyzing what happened, wondering what went wrong or who did wrong, or speculate or even blame fate. But it is normal I think to be on this phase of trying to figure out why it turned out like that, or think that maybe I am just destined to be jinxed. I think it is but normal to be scared and to feel weak. I have been through this before, only this time, I could not just believe that I would feel so very weak that I felt like I couldn't stand up anymore. However, my Dad made a very good point: it is not that I am weak, I was just hit very hard.

Yup, combo hard.

Like when you thought that everything has fallen into place and your crossroads are finally over, in an instant you find yourself back to square zero, but now with even a bonus blackeye.

My Papa and Mama said it was not like me at all to be weak. My family and friends perhaps have never seen this side of me until now. I have always been seen as the strong, independent one. I'm sure they were surprised to get to know this side I have, my side that is capable of raising the white flag, this part of me that is like a fragile little puppy asking to be consoled...

But then again, my Papa also made a good point: I am just a normal human being who gets tired.

Yup, like everyone else, I need to feel inspired and be loved to keep on going with life.

However, now I realize, that after all the heartaches, the heartbreaks from my quest to find true love, I did not really have to look far: I did find true love, I found true love from my family and friends. And this will be the best inspiration I have. I am not letting myself clam up and ruin the best relationship I have in my life. I am fine where I am right now, I don't need to run away. I've come a long way and now I am quite sure that I do not belong in a fishbowl, for I belong to the ocean, where I don't have to feel lost amidst its vastness, because I know that wherever I am, my family and friends are always with me, here in my heart.

I am so blessed for belonging to a wonderful set of family and friends. Thank you, God, for making me have them in my life.

Is it possible to whack some balls with calmness?

Having not played tennis for three weeks, my tennis teacher was too shocked at how I played last Saturday night. He joked if I went on secret training or something, because my hits were very fierce. Indeed, I was surprised myself, as I have never played like that before in all my almost 3 years of playing tennis. I was hitting back very hard and I could hear myself shout at each whack I made.

But then, I knew where I got all that power and adrenalin. With the turn of events, I think I have all the reasons to be fuming angry. But I choose not to. Because I do not want to hold any grudge, I do not want to have a heavy heart, I do not want to make my world smaller. Even if God knows how I do not understand why right after surviving the killer cyclone Nargis in Myanmar, I would still be given an even stronger kind of cyclone that I have yet to survive. Furthermore, how being too nice has become a flaw instead of an asset...

All I want is to remain calm, better yet, indifferent. It was a learning experience, but a very tough one indeed. Can I really be this? Well, we'll see...

Putting Things Lightly

On my way back to the office from THE lunch, I went in the elevator excitedly, I couldn't wait to send that email, yeah THE email that I've been wanting to send to my manager for months now.

Anyways, one guy from another office was in the elevator and then my colleague went in the elevator as well, with a gloomy look on his face. I asked him why he had that look, he replied with "Why? Do you see Schindler's List theme on my face?" and started to hum the Schindler's List movie theme song. It was a joke from a conversation we had a few weeks ago. Becoming more serious, he said "It's the same." He meant that the problem is still his lovelife. I see him like a younger brother and I kinda became his confidant in the office about this girl he has been pursuing for months now but things seemed to be not in his favor (according to him he was out of the race).

With a cheerful tone I said "Hey, cheer up. I just got dumped by my boyfriend two days ago, what could be more worse?"

That not only got my colleague to smile, the other guy in the elevator almost choked out from keeping his laugh.

A Journal from Myanmar

4 May 2008

6:43 am

Yangon, Myanmar

It's now 16 hours that we should be considered to be missing, at least with those who were expecting us to arive in Singapore yesterday at 3:00pm.

It's almost 24 hours now since we risked our lives trying to get to the airport to get home. When I look back and think about the intensity of the danger that we have put ourselves into -- driving in the streets at the peak of the storm, with trees and electric posts falling down, debris of roofs and wood flying around, the heavy rain and strong winds -- I am amazed at how we survived it unharmed, and I am even more amazed at how determined we were to make it in time for our flight, even if at the back of our minds we knew that it would take a miracle for an airplane to stay in one piece in that weather.

I was indeed expecting some danger in this trip due to the political situation of the country. We were told that there will be no international mobile roaming phone service and the internet would be limited. In short, we would be detached from the rest of the world. However, I was not expecting that we would indeed be unreachable. Telephone lines and internet cables are down. We have no way right now to even inform our loved ones that we are still alive...