At the start of August
It's been two days this week now that I am having a bad hair day but I'm not that annoyed like I would be if I were the me a few weeks ago, and I am happy that I am reacting this way. If I were, I would have dashed to the salon and do something to my hair out of impulse but now I'm just smiling it all away even if my hair strands are either curling or stretching in different directions that I look like I have not discovered the use of a comb. I know the right time to go to the salon will come, I just need to be patient to be able to keep on with my budget planning.
The month of July has been crazy that yeah, I've awaken a side of me that had been sleeping for quite some time - the restless, anxious and pessimistic me. I was panicking because I was feeling that things were going out of my control, things were not happening as how I hoped it would be. I took my job too personally, thinking that I could focus on it to divert myself from thinking about my personal problems. And when things got rough at work, I got tired of becoming considerate and I declared that it was not acceptable. I resisted everything that was happening instead of letting it flow. I wanted to get out, and when I realized I had no escape I got drained. So it got too painful for me, really painful that I mashed things, I didn't know then if it was my personal issues that affected my work attitude or it was the other way around, all I knew then was that I needed some appreciation and even just attention. I got tired of facing life's trials by myself. I got tired of facing life's injustices. I got tired of exerting effort to go after my dreams. Instead, I ranted and asked why couldn't I just be lucky like some people? I questioned the things I could not change in my life. I got to my saturation point. I snapped. I cried. It was difficult to breathe.
It's been two days this week now that I am having a bad hair day but I'm not that annoyed like I would be if I were the me a few weeks ago, and I am happy that I am reacting this way. If I were, I would have dashed to the salon and do something to my hair out of impulse but now I'm just smiling it all away even if my hair strands are either curling or stretching in different directions that I look like I have not discovered the use of a comb. I know the right time to go to the salon will come, I just need to be patient to be able to keep on with my budget planning.
The month of July has been crazy that yeah, I've awaken a side of me that had been sleeping for quite some time - the restless, anxious and pessimistic me. I was panicking because I was feeling that things were going out of my control, things were not happening as how I hoped it would be. I took my job too personally, thinking that I could focus on it to divert myself from thinking about my personal problems. And when things got rough at work, I got tired of becoming considerate and I declared that it was not acceptable. I resisted everything that was happening instead of letting it flow. I wanted to get out, and when I realized I had no escape I got drained. So it got too painful for me, really painful that I mashed things, I didn't know then if it was my personal issues that affected my work attitude or it was the other way around, all I knew then was that I needed some appreciation and even just attention. I got tired of facing life's trials by myself. I got tired of facing life's injustices. I got tired of exerting effort to go after my dreams. Instead, I ranted and asked why couldn't I just be lucky like some people? I questioned the things I could not change in my life. I got to my saturation point. I snapped. I cried. It was difficult to breathe.
At the start of September
It's been three days now that I have been having good hair days. The right time I have been waiting has finally come that I had a budget for my hair.
It's was such an emotional see-saw I've been through for the past few months at work. I tried my best to bounce back whenever something at work puts me down but it was too much for me. At the start of August I thought I was finally able to regain my composure but I don't understand why so many unfortunate things happened in such short intervals that I got really, really rattled as never in my professional life have I experienced breaking down before. My job per se is not hard, it is the incidentals that actually that make it very hard -- the politics, the cultural differences, the language barrier. I don't even know how I could explain it clearly to anyone, but oftentimes I just wish someone could step into my shoes for some time to assess if I'm just being too emotional or I am being objective. But anyhow, maybe it was my way of self destructing my career because I came to the point that I got tired of hearing people tell me "ok lang yan, mayaman ka na naman" (it's ok, you're getting richer anyway") when I tell them I have my sad moments here in Singapore. Then perhaps it was also my way of self defense, after convincing myself that I should not take my good career against me because it is my blessing, I may have taken my job too seriously and got obsessed on taking control of it.
Many times I have felt God's intercession in my life, many times I have proven that God gives the desires of your heart in the right time. That is why for all these struggles and trials I have been facing these months, I know that God is telling me something, I do not think it is not merely coincidental for some things to happen when I feel like He is playing tricks on me. But what it is, I could not understand and I think that is what is making me very restless. The series of the circumstances does not make it clear what is the direction I should go. I want to ask God which road is it as I am confused. Why is my faith so weak? I should just trust Him and let go from holding on to my fears which is actually making me feel like I'm hanging.
I think I am at another turning point in my life and the turn of the road could be sharp that there is a blind curve that I was resisting to accept that I will not be able to see. However, faith is about believing that there is a beautiful road awaiting amidst all the rocky path along the way, belief without asking how, why or when but just trusting that I am walking hand in hand with the divine guide.
Everything will fall down into place...at the right time.
Just believe and breathe...
3 comments:
don't worry missy. everything will fall into place. believe in that. it has been for me. and everyone would have that point in their lives where everything will be still and you see more clearly beyond the horizons. no job is worth breaking down for, remember that. it's when you've got too much of an emotional thing going on, that you need to step back and reassess everything. if you think you're changing into someone you're not, then re-evaluate your goals and your perspective in life. It's difficult when you let work evolve around you, coz whether you like it or not, it will definitely eat you up. everything done in moderation is good. but anything done intensively can sometimes drain us out.
it's all a matter of choice. lose your sanity? or face that kind of scenario everyday.
as one of my managers told me last night for my farewell drinks, it should always be a win-win situation between employee and employer. if it's not working out for you, then go. at the end of the day its you who will look out for yourself and not the company. remember that my dear. all the best. keep me posted about, you know what. looking forward to the good news. :) you've done step 1 already. windows and doors will open at the right time. love ya friend. *hugZ*
cheers to new beginnings!!!
~jowe
hugs
tawag uli ako later
Jowe>
how are you na po :)
*HUGS* thanks gals, luv yah both. mwah! :)
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