In Between

I have less than 24 hours to enjoy this break. I am not looking forward to going back to the life I left back there. Yet I also know that it's just a matter of a few more days and I'll start to be uneasy here as well.

I feel so lost. A feeling so familiar. That which I felt a couple of years ago, that which I felt a few more years before that, as well as when I was in my teens. But the big difference now is that I feel so weak. I feel like just giving up the fight, because it hurts so much. I know I used to be stronger than this, and I wonder what has become of me that I am now like this, eaten up by insecurities and...envy.

Yes, envy for the things that I don't have. And I am not even talking about material things. I don't know why now all these regrets are now surfacing up. Well ok, I think I do know why...because things are not happening as how I hoped it would be so I start to doubt myself and the big plan for me. It is because I am in this phase of the in between, that awkward state where I belong to neither this nor that group. And I do not know how long I will be in this phase. This is what's killing me.

I feel so dead inside. So cold. I think this is my defense mechanism acting up. My heart has been covered up to withstand those little cuts. However, by doing this, it has also made me become jaded.

I know I lack faith. I should believe and be hopeful. I am trying my best to, really. But then whenever I just start to be on track again, something will just suddenly pop the bubble I am at and then I find myself face to face with what I was protecting myself from. It is not fair, it being even just coincidental.

What has happened to me? What will happen to me?

I need your help. Please, save me.