I'm wondering

Should I mark this day?

Because if it works out, this day shall bring the greatest gift of my life.

And since I want to think positive and I have a good feeling, I think I should.

There.

Then now I am going to stop thinking about it until the day we know the certainty.

Say a little prayer for me, please.

Wrong shoes but don't stop

I had been jogging last night for about a kilometer when I noticed that something's different with my jog, it felt like my feet were heavier than usual. Looking down at my feet, I finally realized that I absentmindedly wore my tennis shoes instead of my running shoes (yes there is a big difference :). Of course, there was no more turning back at that point so I decided to just brisk walk my way back.

Isn't life like that? You sometimes find yourself making innocent mistakes along the way but it shouldn't let you stop the journey, instead, just make the most out of it.

Move on

I've got two major things to start this year.

The first thing is something that already happened last year but which didn't work out and caused me some great emotional and mental trauma. So going through it again makes me want to say "here we go again" but since I want to keep a positive outlook, I try to say "maybe this is the time" instead.

The second thing is something I've been wanting to do for a long time but which I could only do now because now I feel it is the right time for it. Thinking about it happening gives me that exciting feeling of butterflies in my stomach, a familiar feeling that makes me feel alive.

Both things will define a new chapter of my life and although the first thing is actually my greatest dream right now, it is the second thing that I invest more feelings at because of the uncertainty that the first thing has and I don't want to have my hopes up. Rather, I'd like to treat the first thing as a bonus if it happens as obsessing about it has made me put my life on hold and I shouldn't anymore do that. The second thing, at least, is something I have some control of.

So there, that's me moving on and hopefully, this brings me to where I want to be, and that is, where I'll be happy.

Starting 2012 positively

1) Move on.
2) Talk to God more.
3) Sleep early (and wake up early).
4) Say more good things (and if it's bad, just don't say it!)
5) Do at least one good deed a day.
6) Give more to charity.
7) Organize.
8) Floss.
9) Cook more at home and eat out less.
10) Significantly reduce my caffeine intake.
11) Bring my running shoes on my travels.
12) Write.

The Silence

It's been the longest I've been silent, I believe (not that it matters, anyway, since I am not someone important).

Unlike the past incidents when my silence was due to my lack of time to sit down and reflect, this time it was the opposite.I have lots of time to sit down now and reflect, but I choose not to because the reflections I see are not so happy.I used to be able to write more when I am being emotional, but I am resisting it now. I am resisting the urge to put downthese thoughts because I am afraid to admit them to myself. I am afraid that I will not be able to take them back.I'm afraid that my worst thought is actually my fate.

I cannot believe that I am back to this state. I have been begging God, begging Him to please be gentle on me now.I am not so strong anymore, I am getting old and tired. Fate's jokes on me are not anymore funny, I have stoppedto laugh.

I am now just a drifting soul who doesn't know where to go, what to do after going on a downward spiral. I have lost myself once again.

Yokoso! Japan!

Hello from Terminal 1 of Narita Airport!

Finally I am here not anymore as a transit passenger (I've been to this airport 8 times for my travels to/from the United States during the past years). I am now a bona fide traveler of Japan and I and hubby are here now waiting for our flight back to Singapore. This concludes our 9 day trip to this lovely country. This winter holiday is actually a treat from my hubby so I could unwind and take a break after having gone through a stressful job (awww ♥♥♥).

Anyways, I would like to share with you some photos representing the highlights of each of the days we were there:

Day 1 - Our first destination was Kyoto. And lo and behold, I discovered one of the best discoveries of all time for cola addicts like me: the zero sugar, caffeine free Coke! I first discovered this heavenly drink in California back in the year 2005 and I tried looking for it here in Singapore but nada. I wish I had a way to hoard a hundred bottles of this back to Singapore but I only managed to squeeze in 6 bottles in my already bursting luggage :p

Day 2 - We went touring around Kyoto and we didn't miss walking around Gion, the popular area of geishas. And of course, there was one thing we needed to do while in this area - dress up like one! So that's me in the photo as a maiko, an apprentice geisha ;) Malvin dressed up as a samurai.

Day 3 - We went to Nara to see the ancient Buddhist temples. Nara is also popular for having wild deers roaming around as since ancient times, the people in Nara believed that the deer is a heavenly animal. There were soooo many deers to our surprise, really. They were sooo cute and gentle and you can buy deer snacks and feed them. Some of them are so polite that they even bow to you! But of course, there are warning signs like in the picture above to remind people that they are still wild deers and so caution is still needed. I love it how the Japanese just makes everything cute including warning signs like this.

Day 4 - The start of our stay in Tokyo. We went to Akihabara district, which is popular for electronics, computers, anime, manga and video games. At night, Akihabara is full of neon lights and oh my gosh, you'll see lots and lots of adult shops. In the photo is me in my sexiest form ever, hahaha :p

Day 5 - Another one of my childhood dreams came true! We went to Sanrio Puroland - the land of Hello Kitty and friends! Weee!!! I felt like I was back to being 8 years old. I love love loved this place and even if the place was designed for kids, we were surprised with how profound the messages were in their shows. In the photo is Kitty and her family: (from left to right) Mama, Kitty's mother; Daniel, Kitty's brother (and all along I thought Daniel was Kitty's boyfriend!); Kitty; Mimi, her twin sister (you can distinguish Mimi from Kitty by looking at which ear they have a bow on); and Papa, Kitty's father.

Day 6 - Do you know the story of Hachiko? If not, better google it now! He's Japan's most famous dog and his story is so heartwarming that everyone loved him so much they named a train station exit after him. The Hachiko exit in Shibuya train station is where you'll find a statue of Hachiko and the most famous Shibuya crossing, the busiest road junctions I've ever seen in my life. It's actually quite fun joining the throngs and throngs of people crossing the street.

Day 7 - And then there was snow! Although we did experience some light snowing in Tokyo, in Nikko was the real deal. This was actually my first time to experience walking and playing around in snow. The snow started out mildly when we arrived there but it got stronger in the late afternoon. And although we were freezing after walking 1.5 kilometers, it was truly a fun and memorable experience. I found myself singing Christmas songs in my mind, hehehe :p

Day 8 - If there is one touristy thing that I am happy to skip in my travels, it would be going to museums. But if all museums are like the Ramen Museum, my gosh, I would definitely not miss it! Hahaha, yeah, the Ramen Museum is where you can eat different kinds of ramen where each type is a specialty from a particular part of Japan. Don't be surprised if you'd have to queue for 45 minutes to get a bowl of ramen though because this is seriously the queueing time to get one, but definitely worth it!

Day 9 - After one week of eating Japanese foods, we decided to have Western food for our last meal in Japan. Where else? Hard Rock Cafe, of course. ;)

Ahhh, Japan, oh Japan. I so much loved every day of this trip. I love Japan, I love the politeness and friendliness of the Japanese people. I will definitely come back here again and again and again. :)

Second chance

The rain has been pouring heavily, the clouds are dark.

But in my mind I see the sun shining brightly over a clear, blue sky.

Fireproofing your marriage

Another heart and soul touching movie I discovered lately was Fireproof, made by the same creators of Facing the Giants.

A marriage starts with two people in love. But the question is, how do you keep the flame of love burning without being burned by the fire?

You put God in the center of your married life.

This afternoon, Malvin and I exchanged wedding vows again in a simple ceremony under Roman Catholic rites, as witnessed by our parents. This is a blessing that I never expected would happen but it did, in God's perfect timing. And I feel that this marks a start of an even better married life as this is God's way of making things start falling into place, in accordance to His great plan.

*****

FYI - According to the Parish priest who officiated our marriage here, under the 1983 Canon Law of the Catholic Church, a Roman Catholic can marry a non-Roman Catholic under the Roman Catholic marriage rites as long as the non-Roman Catholic vows that he/she will respect his/her spouse's religion and allow his/her spouse to practice it.

The Parish priest said this law applies to the Philippines too. I was surprised to learn this and I'm sure it will be to most Filipinos too.

This is the Day of the Start

Hey hey hey! Guess what?

For the first time, somebody successfully took a blood sample from my arm joint! Woohoo! Thank you to the very professional and friendly nurses at KKH. It feels so great to feel so normal! :)

It was a Senior Nurse who was able to find my hidden vein. She said that actually it's not that it can't be done, it just takes time and probably those who took my blood before just didn't want to bother. But the not so good news is that I still can't donate blood because she said for big amounts of blood, they would really need the big, visible vein. Oh well, I guess I'd have to do some more weightlifting and maybe someday that big vein will finally show itself, hehehe.

Today is such a very good day of hope. I feel not only normal, but moreso, special. I've met nice and pleasant people today whom I know, will give joy to our life.

When faced with your giants

Facing the Giants

A great movie about facing your biggest challenges in life by surrendering it all to God.

If there is one movie to describe my life right now, it would be this...

I do hope and pray that I'll have the same ending.

"..And if we win, we praise Him. And if we lose, we praise Him." - Grant Taylor


P.S. You don't need to be a football fan to love it. Believe me.

A matter of being thanked or hated

As I was walking my way out of the second level of the parking area to go to office, I saw a man seated on the driver's seat, his eyes closed, all the windows of the car closed. I froze on my steps and for a couple of seconds I contemplated on whether to check on him or continue about my way.

The parking area was not totally enclosed, and so there is no risk really that he could get carbon monoxide poisoning so perhaps the man was just taking a nap. So I started to make that first step to walk away, however, a voice inside me told me what if there's something wrong with the guy? He was still wearing his seat belt and he looked stiff.

I walked towards his car, peeked through his window. His radio was on. I looked for a sign that he's breathing...ok his chest is moving, good. What should I do next? Maybe I could go now? Well I need to make sure nothing's wrong with him, shouldn't I?

I knocked on the car window. Knock knock knock.
No response. Yikes!
Again, knock knock knock.
No response still. Oh no!
Knock knock knock.
He moved and opened his eyes.

I made a thumbs up sign to ask if he's ok. He shook his head and hands and looked like he was irritated. I think it meant, he's fine and for me to leave him alone. So I went about my way and I am now at my office desk typing this.

I don't feel bad even if the man might hate me now for disturbing his nap. And yep, I didn't expect he'd thank me for checking on him. But I just feel good that I did what I had to do.

Have a Little Faith

This is the first book that I have finished reading for the year 2011 and I can't be anymore happy to know that this is the perfect read for me to start this year. This book spoke to me straight to the heart..and soul.

It is amazing how I saw myself in Mitch Albom's thoughts. Like him, I had been skeptical with religion and the "holy" people who run it. The more I saw the world, the more I had learned about different kinds of faith and I made this "being open minded" an excuse to turn cold on my own faith. My intention to become neutral has made me forget about that strong, burning passion of feelings that connect me to God.

Have a Little Faith is not at all about preaching religion, nor does it even impose for you to believe in God. We all have our differences in beliefs. In this book based on his real life experiences, Mitch Albom shows us that faith isn't what separates us, rather, it is actually what brings us back together.

*****

Just a little note:

There are two types of book cover available for this book, the American release and the UK release. Between the two, I would recommend the American release with the brown cover (as the image above). You'll know why when you read the Author's note. I'm not sure why they even released a different cover in the first place.

The Drive of Life

I know it will not always going to be a smooth ride so now I am bracing myself to get ready so that even when the journey gets rocky I will still enjoy the ride.

How can I be sure? Because while I am the holder of the steering wheel, I've got on my passenger seat the best navigator of life, the Almighty Lord, our God.

3 seconds of serenity

It was a heavy downpour and she had no way to cross that 5 meters of gap without getting wet.

So she walked. No she did not run.

And that brief moment of raindrops touching her skin, her hair, her face, her naked shoulders..gave her a soothing memory of a child who grew up dancing in the rain.

Happy New Year, pull your ear! :)

I got that from hubby. He said it's a greeting his family has come up with because it rhymes. I find it cute that he also pronounces ear as year :p

So here we are, the start of another year. Hubby and I met this year with a prayer. At midnight we looked up in the sky and prayed to God to grant us our hearts' wishes. I feel that indeed the year 2011 will be good to us.

My new year's resolution is to have a positive outlook in life and to strengthen my faith. The year 2010 was quite challenging, and I've seen how I made these challenges weaken me. I let it drain my positivity in life. I watched my life go by without living it. I had sulked down on special ocassions instead of celebrating them. I did not appreciate my blessings and I focused on frustrating on what I didn't have. I risked straining personal relationships. I made myself feel like my life has been pointless.

I will not let these continue anymore.

I will be happy and stay happy. I will be patient and I will always be thankful. I do not have to be insecure.

I will trust God. I will keep reminding myself of the Big Plan.

Cheers to becoming the new improved me! :)

~Wishing you all a great 2011~

Final Answer

Question: When is it time to quit your job?

a. When you started out with a very good positive outlook, tried your very best to contribute to the improvement of your team and be miss congeniality but you still ended up being treated unprofessionally?

b. When you experience stereotyping and racist remarks?

c. When you are already getting nightmares about work?

d.When your confidence is getting trashed which results to the start of straining your personal relationships?

e. When you can't sleep anymore because you are scared of what lies ahead on the next working day?

f. And when you're able to sleep you still wake up earlier than your alarm due to anxiety on what would happen at the start of business day?

g. When you feel like having a heart attack whenever the phone rings? And your phone is constantly ringing.

h. When your left eye starts to have involuntary twitching at the thought of going back to work?

i. When you lose your appetite?

j. All of the above.

I have tendered my resignation from work today and this time, I am not taking it back. This would not be a surprising news for those who know me, I guess. I think by now I have already gotten the reputation of being a job quitter. I know it gives the impression that I give up so easily when things get tough or that my expectations are too high. I've started to doubt myself too but then I now know I shouldn't.

I don't think I am being a coward for quitting because it actually takes a lot of courage to stand by your principles and retain your self esteem than just hold on to the agony that is eating your dignity piece by piece.

I am taking another big risk, I know. I still have not forgotten the difficulties I faced looking for a new job a few months back. I am bracing myself for this, yes, but I am still hopeful that I will finally find the right match.

As Kenny Rogers said, "Don’t be afraid to give up the good to go for the great."

And I don't think he was talking about chicken. ;-)

In Between

I have less than 24 hours to enjoy this break. I am not looking forward to going back to the life I left back there. Yet I also know that it's just a matter of a few more days and I'll start to be uneasy here as well.

I feel so lost. A feeling so familiar. That which I felt a couple of years ago, that which I felt a few more years before that, as well as when I was in my teens. But the big difference now is that I feel so weak. I feel like just giving up the fight, because it hurts so much. I know I used to be stronger than this, and I wonder what has become of me that I am now like this, eaten up by insecurities and...envy.

Yes, envy for the things that I don't have. And I am not even talking about material things. I don't know why now all these regrets are now surfacing up. Well ok, I think I do know why...because things are not happening as how I hoped it would be so I start to doubt myself and the big plan for me. It is because I am in this phase of the in between, that awkward state where I belong to neither this nor that group. And I do not know how long I will be in this phase. This is what's killing me.

I feel so dead inside. So cold. I think this is my defense mechanism acting up. My heart has been covered up to withstand those little cuts. However, by doing this, it has also made me become jaded.

I know I lack faith. I should believe and be hopeful. I am trying my best to, really. But then whenever I just start to be on track again, something will just suddenly pop the bubble I am at and then I find myself face to face with what I was protecting myself from. It is not fair, it being even just coincidental.

What has happened to me? What will happen to me?

I need your help. Please, save me.

All I Want For Christmas...

...is a miracle.

Cold Water and The Prayer

I thought I was doing ok already but yesterday it came back creeping on me, consuming me, trying to drain out the little happiness that I was holding on to for motivation. I know what started it, then I saw what was coming, and yet I didn't resist it. Instead, I embraced self pity like an old friend.

Then today I got perhaps what I deserved for being such a baby. Cold water splashed right onto my face. Ice cold water that froze my heart. It hurt because I didn't expect that the source would be from where I used to get warmth. I realized that there are really circumstances in life that you can never really expect others to understand until they can actually relate with it. There are some longing that you'll never know will ache until you are already feeling them.

The day went by so slow but thankfully I got thru the day with the prayer below:

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

And this Bible verse gave me comfort:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

December six to ten

Monday - I quit my job.

Tuesday - My boss talked some sense to me. It worked. So now I've still got a job.

Wednesday - Hubby got summoned by the traffic police officer for crossing the road on a red light (yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is Singapore!). Hubby was very frustrated. I talked some sense to him. It worked. Not just for him but for me as well.

Thursday (today) - Took the train from work and went to Orchard Road by myself. Went for some Christmas shopping, had Peppermint mocha frap in Starbucks, wrote down in my journal.
Enjoyed this very much, haven't done this in a long time. Took mental note to do this from time to time.
Happy again.

Friday (tomorrow) - I hope the happiness still lasts.