7,107 reasons to go back to the Philippines

It has been raining the past few days during the morning, and it's not just the usual Singapore rain, it had been raining really hard, with strong winds, thunder and lightning. This morning was again another one. Perhaps these rains might be related to the typhoon in the Philippines, which I heard was very strong. It's going down south, so maybe...But the good thing about here in Singapore is that there are no typhoons, and rains last for only a few hours, and so I expected that the rain would stop by noon and my BBQ + Swimming party in the afternoon would go as planned.

By early afternoon, the rain did stop, although the weather remained cloudy. I prepared the food for the party: tilapia fish, squid, pork chops, chicken, corn, marshmallows and the dish i most enjoyed preparing -- the Japanese style skewer of asparagus wrapped in bacon. It was a lot of work but I was happy because I think this was the first time I hosted a party at my place in my 3 years of my residence there. Not that I didn't want to, but I live in the northwest part of Singapore and most of my friends live in the east and therefore, my area was not really a choice for party venues. I am often teased that I already live in Malaysia, which I don't mind being teased about, because my place is indeed near the border of Johor Bahru :) But the west is very homey and tranquil, so even if most of my friends like the east because it was nearer the city, I still preferred to stay where I was. Anyways, 5pm arrived and my friends started to arrive, and after a couple of hours and some unexpected challenge to make the fire start and make some good charcoal burning, we finally managed to get the food cooked.

I had a lovely and fun evening with my good friends over our yummy barbecue dinner. For dessert we had some of my two "birthday" cakes which a couple of friends brought. Yeah, it wasn't my birthday but I think in some way it was, as I am about to do something that would be like my rebirth.

I believe that there comes a time in your life that somehow you feel like you lost yourself -- from trying to catch up with people's expectations, with the norms, with your own goals, with the bites of reality, with heartaches; from having no choice but to grow up and become an adult. And what better way to find yourself again than to trace back from where you grew up.

So, I am going back to the Philippines, my land, my home, my roots.

The Trial of the Just

A month down the road, I am back on my feet, moving on. However, there are still times that will hit me and suddenly I will feel scared and weak and I start to question again why things happened as such and why I had to suffer even if my intentions are pure. During my weakest days, both my mother and my mom advised me to pray. My mom said to call on the holy spirit to be with me, my mother said to read the Proverbs. Indeed, mothers know best; I opened my Bible and read the one that made me have a good sleep that night.

Psalm 73

1 A psalm of Asaph.

How good God is to the upright, the Lord,

to those who are clean of heart!

2 But as for me, I lost my balance; my feet all but slipped,

3 Because I was envious of the arogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 For they suffer no pain; their bodies are healthy and sleek.

5 They are free of the burdens of life; they are not afflicted like others.

6 This pride adorns them as a necklace; violence clothes them as a robe

7 Out of their stupidity comes sin; evil thoughts flood their hearts

8 They scoff and spout their malice; from on high they utter threats.

9 They set their mouths against the heavens, their tongues roam the earth.

10 So my people turn to them and drink deeply of their words.

11 They say, "Does God really know?", "Does the Most High have any knowledge?"

12 Such, then, are the wicked, always careferee, increasing their wealth.
13 Is it in vain that I have kept my heart clean, washed my hands in innocence?

14 For I am afflicted day after day, chastised every morning.

15 Had I thought, "I wil speak as they do," I would have betrayed your people.

16 Though I tried to understand all this, it was too difficult for me

17 Till I entered the sanctuary of God and came to understand their end.

18 You set them, indeed, on a slippery road; you hurl them down to ruin.

19 How suddenly they are devastated; undone by disasters forever!

20 They are like a dream after waking Lord, dismissed like shadows when you arise.
21 Since my heart was embittered and my sould deeply wounded,

22 I was stupid and could not understand; I was like a brute beast in your presence.

23 Yet I am always with you;

24 With your counsel you guide me, and at the end receive me with honor.

25 Whom else have I in the heavens? None beside you delights me on earth.

26 Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever.

27 But those who are far from you perish; you destroy those unfaithful to you.

28 As for me, to be near God is my good, to make the Lord God my refuge.I shall declare all your works in the gates of daughter Zion.

**********

This is for us, missy. Let's not give up.

Mixing business and pleasure in Bali, Indonesia

I had been curious about Bali and had wanted to go there ever since I learned about its existence, not because of its popularity for what is, but for what I thought it was. I had this wrong notion that Bali was the same island called Bali Hai in the movie musical South Pacific. I have been fascinated with it ever since I watched this movie when I was 11 years old. Anyhow, Bali Hai is fictional but Bali, Indonesia is real :) and thanks to my company, I finally had the opportunity to go to the real Bali for one weekend. I went there with my colleagues for our annual company jamboree/convention.

Before our flight to Bali from Singapore, we were warned by our Singaporean tour guide to be attentive at all times at the Immigration because he said it is known as being corrupt. I thought this remark was very derogatory to the Indonesian government. However, I didn't expect that I would have to agree with him based on experience. We arrived at Denpansar airport at 9:35pm, me and my Southeast Asian colleagues queued up to the Immigration line for foreigners not needing any visa on arrival. I think the officer we queued at for was not in a good mood that night as he just suddenly refused entry of my Vietnamese colleague in the line ahead of me, telling him that he needs a visa and that he needed a return ticket. Then I went next, I presented my passport, my embarkation card and return ticket. The Immigration officer rudely asked which company I am travelling for, I replied with my company's name twice as he could not understand it. Since my planeticket was booked for the whole group (all our names were on the same e-ticket), after he let me in, he knew that he had no more excuse not to let my Vietnamese colleague in as well. My colleague was pissed off, of course ,and I was a little too, because I didn't expect something like that to happen since I've been to other parts of Indonesia (Bintan and Batam) before and did not encounter such a scene. Then at the customs, they were really opening and rummaging through the bags! But since we were there as a large group and I think the tour guides did some talking to the customs officers, they didn't check for ours. Anyways, the not so nice experience ends at the airport, thankfully.

Outside the airport, each one of us was greeted with a lei of flowers before we boarded the bus that would bring us to our hotel. By 10:30pm, we were on our way. Our local group guide was so enthusiastic in giving information about Bali, especially Kuta, which, according to him, is "where the happenings are". He gave some details, like how much the taxi from our hotel to Kuta would approximately cost, to go to Bounty bar/club to party, etc., etc. While he was saying this, I didn't really much care, because I knew I wouldn't have the time to go there since it was already quite late that night and our hotel was located in a secluded area in Jimbaran, a good 20 minutes away by taxi from Kuta. Besides, I was meeting a fellow travbuddy for a late night drink in my hotel.

But what do you know, three hours after, I found myself in Kuta, dancing on a ledge in Bounty bar! Yeah baby! :P Thanks to fellow travbuddy Manuel (as I've told before, you can find sincerely nice people in www.travbuddy.com), I had a crazy, wonderful, fun first night in Bali. We went drinking vodka, gin and the killer native palm drink that finally got me drunk and puking (in the toilet and not all over the place, ok! :P ) Woohoo! ;-)

I spent the whole of Saturday for the company activities scheduled. In the morning I went for my Aquatonic seawater therapy pool session* and the afternoon I spent in the hotel ballroom with my colleagues for the 4 hour speech by the big bosses. By the end of their speech, they mentioned that next year's jamboree would be held in a boring place since they were made aware of the torture we were going into, being in Bali but not being able to explore the place, hehehe. In the evening, we had our company gala dinner where we wore the traditional Indonesian sarong and headpiece. While dinner was served, we were mesmerized by the Balinese dance performances because of how good the dancers were in using distinct and snappy movements of their arms, legs, neck and most especially, their eyes. We were served some native dishes for the dinner, which were ok although I didn't quite fancy because I am not really into curry and spices. After dinner, as like last year, there was the usual free flow of champagne and lots of drunken dancing. But me and my roommate/friend/colleague, Donnah, retired early and by 10pm, called it a night.

I made Sunday to be the time for me to explore Kuta in daylight. At half past 8 am, I was walking around the small alleys where you could see lots of shops selling souvenirs, surfing and beach stuffs, scooter rentals, tattoo shops, white water rafting and other activities booking agents. At 9am I met Manuel again and he was kind enough to accompany me for the day. It was nice to hang out at the famous Kuta beach and see surfers and people basking in the sun. Although as I've expected, there were a number of vendors who could be persistent in selling you different stuffs: from food, drinks, ice cream, accessories, to massage, tattoos and braiding your hair. The key to avoiding them? Do not talk to them even just to say No nor make eye contact (although I found it hard at first due to my usual courtesy) and if this doesn't work out, you can always try to pretend to be a hooker and tell them you were also just there in the beach for money like them ;-P (hehehe, just kidding on this one).

We had a yummy lunch of wrapped marlin and went to buy my usual souvenir collection: a shotglass that was overpriced at 50,000 Indonesian rupiah but we bargained at 10,000; and a Bali Starbucks city mug (yay!). By 5:45pm I needed to go to Hard Rock cafe to meet my colleagues for dinner before we head to the airport and take our flight to Singapore. I was surprised to see the traffic jam and I was sure that I'm not gonna make it at 6pm in Hard Rock Cafe' if I take the taxi even if it was just a good 2 to 3 kilometers away. Good thing that there was an ingenious alternative: off I went with a local who took me to Hard Rock Cafe' via his scooter (look ma, no helmet on! :P)

Dinner with my colleagues turned out to be not in Hard Rock Cafe' but in the restaurant in Hard Rock Hotel, and it took me a while to find my company's reservation because it turned out the reservation was under the event organizer's name. Good thing the hotel receptionist was very kind to assist me and extended all the help he could give (and so in the end I couldn't refuse him when he asked for my email address, gulp :S). This is one of the things I most liked about Bali, I find the people nice and friendly (except in the Immigration). I was always mistaken as Indonesian so they spoke to me in their language and when they learn that I was not Indonesian, the locals still treat me nicely and they are quite curious where I was from and would always smile back if you smile at them. Anyways, by 9pm, I was in the airport doing some last minute souvenir shopping while waiting for our flight back to Singapore.

Today, I am happily writing this with a bit of sunburned shoulders. ;)

I really had a fun time in Bali, it was short but definitely memorable and I definitely would like to go back there again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Information from

http://www.ritzcarlton.com/en/Properties/Bali/Spa/Menu.htm:

"The Ritz-Carlton, Bali Thalasso & Spa's Aquatonic® seawater therapy pool is the crown jewel of the Spa. Effortlessly exercise your way through 14 hydromassage stations using the pool's therapeutic jet streams, micro-bubbles and geysers to rehabilitate injured muscles, to relieve stress and for relaxation. "

Photocredit: Picture of the infinity pool is courtesy of Donnah.

Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da

They say that for every hurtful experience there is a lesson to be learned.
So what have I learned this time?

If it is too good to be true, it is not true!

HAHAHAHAHAHA. :P

Gosh, if learning from being brokenhearted was an academic course, perhaps by now I have a Master's degree on it. But oh please, I hope I don't have to earn a PhD on it in the future! Oh no, no, no!

Kidding aside though, there is indeed something good that comes up from each of the downs we have in life. We discover something new about ourselves, our weaknesses, and our capabilities as well. Then we grow more as a person, we become stronger as we find a way to face it. That is, if we do treat each challenge as a learning experience instead of something to pull us to our complete downfall.

I know I don't need to go on analyzing what happened, wondering what went wrong or who did wrong, or speculate or even blame fate. But it is normal I think to be on this phase of trying to figure out why it turned out like that, or think that maybe I am just destined to be jinxed. I think it is but normal to be scared and to feel weak. I have been through this before, only this time, I could not just believe that I would feel so very weak that I felt like I couldn't stand up anymore. However, my Dad made a very good point: it is not that I am weak, I was just hit very hard.

Yup, combo hard.

Like when you thought that everything has fallen into place and your crossroads are finally over, in an instant you find yourself back to square zero, but now with even a bonus blackeye.

My Papa and Mama said it was not like me at all to be weak. My family and friends perhaps have never seen this side of me until now. I have always been seen as the strong, independent one. I'm sure they were surprised to get to know this side I have, my side that is capable of raising the white flag, this part of me that is like a fragile little puppy asking to be consoled...

But then again, my Papa also made a good point: I am just a normal human being who gets tired.

Yup, like everyone else, I need to feel inspired and be loved to keep on going with life.

However, now I realize, that after all the heartaches, the heartbreaks from my quest to find true love, I did not really have to look far: I did find true love, I found true love from my family and friends. And this will be the best inspiration I have. I am not letting myself clam up and ruin the best relationship I have in my life. I am fine where I am right now, I don't need to run away. I've come a long way and now I am quite sure that I do not belong in a fishbowl, for I belong to the ocean, where I don't have to feel lost amidst its vastness, because I know that wherever I am, my family and friends are always with me, here in my heart.

I am so blessed for belonging to a wonderful set of family and friends. Thank you, God, for making me have them in my life.

Is it possible to whack some balls with calmness?

Having not played tennis for three weeks, my tennis teacher was too shocked at how I played last Saturday night. He joked if I went on secret training or something, because my hits were very fierce. Indeed, I was surprised myself, as I have never played like that before in all my almost 3 years of playing tennis. I was hitting back very hard and I could hear myself shout at each whack I made.

But then, I knew where I got all that power and adrenalin. With the turn of events, I think I have all the reasons to be fuming angry. But I choose not to. Because I do not want to hold any grudge, I do not want to have a heavy heart, I do not want to make my world smaller. Even if God knows how I do not understand why right after surviving the killer cyclone Nargis in Myanmar, I would still be given an even stronger kind of cyclone that I have yet to survive. Furthermore, how being too nice has become a flaw instead of an asset...

All I want is to remain calm, better yet, indifferent. It was a learning experience, but a very tough one indeed. Can I really be this? Well, we'll see...

Putting Things Lightly

On my way back to the office from THE lunch, I went in the elevator excitedly, I couldn't wait to send that email, yeah THE email that I've been wanting to send to my manager for months now.

Anyways, one guy from another office was in the elevator and then my colleague went in the elevator as well, with a gloomy look on his face. I asked him why he had that look, he replied with "Why? Do you see Schindler's List theme on my face?" and started to hum the Schindler's List movie theme song. It was a joke from a conversation we had a few weeks ago. Becoming more serious, he said "It's the same." He meant that the problem is still his lovelife. I see him like a younger brother and I kinda became his confidant in the office about this girl he has been pursuing for months now but things seemed to be not in his favor (according to him he was out of the race).

With a cheerful tone I said "Hey, cheer up. I just got dumped by my boyfriend two days ago, what could be more worse?"

That not only got my colleague to smile, the other guy in the elevator almost choked out from keeping his laugh.

A Journal from Myanmar

4 May 2008

6:43 am

Yangon, Myanmar

It's now 16 hours that we should be considered to be missing, at least with those who were expecting us to arive in Singapore yesterday at 3:00pm.

It's almost 24 hours now since we risked our lives trying to get to the airport to get home. When I look back and think about the intensity of the danger that we have put ourselves into -- driving in the streets at the peak of the storm, with trees and electric posts falling down, debris of roofs and wood flying around, the heavy rain and strong winds -- I am amazed at how we survived it unharmed, and I am even more amazed at how determined we were to make it in time for our flight, even if at the back of our minds we knew that it would take a miracle for an airplane to stay in one piece in that weather.

I was indeed expecting some danger in this trip due to the political situation of the country. We were told that there will be no international mobile roaming phone service and the internet would be limited. In short, we would be detached from the rest of the world. However, I was not expecting that we would indeed be unreachable. Telephone lines and internet cables are down. We have no way right now to even inform our loved ones that we are still alive...

Rain comes

It is but normal that there will be days when it will not be sunny.

Sometimes, the clouds will suddenly gather and in an instant the rain pours down heavily.

Then you will realize that no matter how you tried to be ready for this day, you are still caught by surprise.

As you would not be able to predict how it will happen, when it happen and how heavy it will be.

No, you will not know it, as even the weather forecast is not 100% accurate.

So what do you do now that it happens?

Do you wait until the rain stops? Or do you get yourself soaked?

Will you run to get to the next shade? Or do you take another route?

Tell me fate, what are you up to now? Please, don't make me ask for another black hole.

What if?

If you have a gift and you know what's inside and you like what's inside,

would it matter to you how it was wrapped?

Good morning, world

This is one of those days I got up earlier than usual in the morning. I can think of two reasons why I did: one good and the other bad..I am not sure which one though. My defensive side is even telling me that this good might also be bad. Can I therefore conclude that the reason for this blabbering is not good?

I am not really a morning person, so I can say many nonsense things early in the morning, obviously.

I thought about my beloved Paulo Coelho and how I miss his words so I looked through his books lined up on my bookshelf. I got the feeling of consolation and calmness, thank goodness.

I picked up Eleven Minutes and noticed I put a tiny piece of paper to bookmark a page. There must be something written there that I liked. I opened the page to read it and yes, indeed, something beautifully written:

***

"If I were to tell someone about my life today, I could do it in a way that would make them think me a brave, happy, independent woman. Rubbish: I am not even allowed to mention the only word that is more important than the eleven minutes -- love.

All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives himself or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.

And the person who loves wholeheartedly, feels free.

That is why, regardless of what I might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense. I hope this time passes quickly, so that I can resume my search for myself -- in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer.

But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.

It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

****

Thank you, God for beautiful words and mornings.

Why I enjoyed my trip to Bangkok

• Because it was my first time in Thailand and for a 3 day international trip, I love how I travelled so light -- just my little pink backpack and my favorite travel shoulder bag. ;)

• Because I was impressed with Suvarnabhumi Airport's exterior design. It reminds me of the head/mask of Ultraman, hehehe.
  

• Because I was not ripped off by the taxis. I had been warned about the taxi drivers not using their meter and trying to make a contract instead with an overpriced amount. There is a taxi queue outside the airport arrival and it said there that the taxi's will be using meter and there is just a 50 Baht surcharge. So I got into a taxi, and just a couple of minutes after leaving the airport, the taxi driver asked which hotel I was going to and he started to say it is far and that it will be for a certain price. But I was firm and told him "No, I am paying by meter" and then I looked at meter to make sure it was on. Good thing the driver did not insist. The actual fare by meter was only 260 Baht (and thats even with traffic jam) plus 50 Baht surcharge. Then on my departure day, the hotel bellboy offered a taxi to me for 600Baht which of course I said no to because thats a rip off so I flagged a taxi on the street but the taxi driver started to negotiate with a fixed price of 450Baht because he said the airport is outside Bangkok (duh!). I told him I only paid 300Baht from the airport. So he agreed with 300.

• Because my hotel, Asia Bangkok Hotel, was nice. For a 4 star hotel, it was affordable and worth its price. I loved their breakfast buffet. It was also just beside an MRT station so it was quite convenient to move around Bangkok.
  
  
  
  

  
  

• Because the Thais are not hostile and I "blended in". In stores it was only when I started to stare and smile at the clerks after they greeted and spoke to me in Thai would they realize that I was of a different specie, hehe. :P

• Because I loooved their native orange juice and streetfoods, and I was so amused with how the merchandise packagings were all in Thai writing. :)

• Because the temples are just simply amazing. Even if I only visited 3 temples Wat Arun, Wat Pho, and The Grand Palace and Wat Phra Kaeo. Plus I just loved the idea that I cruised the Chao Phraya river, something of the very few things I remember from my Asian history subject in highschool (hehehe).

• Because I met my childhood crush, my Superman: Dean Cain (*insert dreamy look here*). Nobody really recognized him except me and Verge (his Thai tour guide was impressed that we did) so we took the chance and asked him if we could have our picture taken. He was quite nice and accomodating. I was starstruck and I only managed to utter in an almost whisper "I'm a fan.." :P

• Because I was with Verge, my good friend from highschool, who is now based in Hua Hin, Thailand. He was so nice to accompany me around and be my interpreter. I was so amazed at how he can now speak Thai fluently, just from self studying. He did all the bargaining for my shopping. We really had a great time. I will never forget that on my first night in Bangkok we drank beer while walking the night market along Ratchapraroph street and then after getting a little tipsy, we went to have a traditional Thai massage (hehehe). It was really nice to have this opportunity to bond with him again like we did two years ago when he visited here in Singapore . I really, really had a fun time, (thank you very much, Verge!)

Sawasdee Ka! :)

Oh la la...

Three months since my last French class, I am now back to my once a week routine of becoming a french bread. Since I have been busy the past weeks, I was not able to prepare and review my french before heading on to my first class.

So it was but natural that I got stressed on my first day of class, with most of my classmates having just finished their previous term the week before, they all seemed so good and fluent with conversation. My little brain was so pressured to keep up.

But wait, there's more. What else could add more to the pressure than see that the lesson for the day was to talk about....mon premier histoire de l'amour?! Arrrghhh!!!

j'ai oublie' mon francais!

The Woman in High Heels

As I have mentioned when I came back from my holidays, I have been wearing bikers most of the time because they are so comfortable and they are giving my feet a break from the torture they have been through for the past couple of years.

However, I realized that I cannot totally do away from wearing high heeled shoes. There will be instances that I would have to wear them out of necessity, like one day last week when I was going to give a training to a customer, I had to be in my business attire, which of course meant I had to wear my high-heeled sandals. I have no choice in this case. But then there will be instances when I would actually have a choice not to wear them, but I will still choose to wear them, just because I want to achieve a certain look I would like to have. Just like last week when I wore a blouse and gypsy type skirt, I wore my high heeled slippers because if I wore my white bikers I would have looked like a little naive girl; also last Saturday, when we went clubbing and I wore a black blouse and jeans, and instead of my black bikers, I wore my black high heeled sandals, otherwise I would not have that feeling of confidence that I was "sexy" enough.

So, do I like the woman in high heels?

Yes, I do,...just that there are some times that I don't...so I'm bringing back the bikers girl.

Feast of Love

After more than two months since we last saw each other, I was so glad to have a date again with my very good friend Maia who is now back in Singapore (hooray!) after some few months' stint in HK. I proposed a movie date and selected this movie called Feast of Love, because it fit with our schedule. Although I did have been eyeing this movie before, because it seemed interesting but then again I had hesitations because I was thinking it might be a heavy drama type of movie or if not, it might be some cheesy movie about love. Anyways, I wasn't expecting much from this movie but I did tell Maia it should be some kind of quality movie since Morgan Freeman is there.

Ok, so off we went inside the cinema without expecting too much but then again after seeing it was R21 as we were entering the cinema, our curiosity was awakened.

So it was indeed a drama movie but not something heavy and it was indeed a movie about love but nothing cheesy at all. I think it was what made it beautiful, it was just enough to touch your emotions but not disturb you, it was just enough to make you believe in love and romance but not to convince you that love is a fairytale. This movie showed love in an honest perspective, for today's time so it showed reality in a light and hopeful side.

I would have to commend the screenplay writer, Allison Burnett, because from start until the end, the lines were just amazing. It was like I could quote every dialogue. The script was so perfect that I was holding on to each character's every word. I would also have to give credit to Charles Baxter, the the writer of the book "The Feast of Love" where the screenplay was based from. I actually found a piece of myself in each of the characters. The actors were good of course, I think they all were perfect for their roles. A movie where Morgan Freeman is included is indeed a good basis of the quality of a good movie. And of course, kudos to the movie director, Robert Benton, for this masterpiece.

When the movie ended, the cinema lights were switched on a bit immediately, without giving the audience some time to recover and dab our tears dry. Maia and I laughed at the sight of each other trying to stop ourselves from crying.

***

Some of the lines that really struck me:

Harry Stevenson: "There is a story about the Greek Gods; they were bored so they invented human beings, but they were still bored so they invented love, then they weren't bored any longer. So they decided to try love for themselves. And finally, they invented laughter, so they could stand it."

***

Harry Stevenson: "Sometimes, you don't know you've crossed the line until you're already on the other side."

***

Harry Stevenson (pertaining to all the unfortunate circumstances that has happened):"God is either dead or He despises us,"

Bradley Thomas:"God doesn't hate us, if He did, he wouldn't have made our hearts so brave."

***

Photo taken from the Feast of Love official site: http://www.feastoflovefilm.com/

The coffeefairy's mental notes: I need to have a copy of this book and a CD of the soundtrack.

Sundown

There is one time of the day that I dread most waking up to: during sunset. I feel so sad and scared when I open my eyes and see it is almost dark. That's why I don't really like to take afternoon naps, besides the fact that it will keep me awake the whole evening. I've been thinking why I feel this way about it, and I think it is because usually when I wake up at this time most people at home would be up and about, maybe already eating dinner, or at the living room watching TV, while I am all alone feeling left out. Back home in the Philippines, or when in California, this feeling does not stay long, because all I have to do is get up and go out of my room and join my family. Then I'll be happy and fine.

Yesterday, I slept at 6pm, one hour before the sun goes down. It was not a deep sleep, as after some hours or so, I felt I was starting to wake up. I think I tried to open my eyes and when I saw it was dark, I immediately tightly closed my eyes again. I didn't want to wake up, not yet, not at that time. Then I started to feel that dreaded feeling again. But this time it was more intense, I was more scared, because I could feel how alone I was. I have no family that I could join in the living room.Then I start to think how sad my life is, that even my only recourse of going online to talk to my family and friends who mightbe online or suf the internet to keep me occupied has been taken away from me (my laptop crashed and would not start up anymore last Saturday). I started to think how pathetic I was, crying over at the bus stop outside HP's service center after I brought my laptop in for repair and realized how stupid and unfortunate I am. Being in the Information Technology, I should have known better and should have had a back up of my files. Then I think about my career, which is now as unclear as my lovelife. I started to think how nothing in my life is in order. There could have not been any better symbolism of a life crashing with my laptop that crashed.

I had to fight off these thoughts of course, so I went back to sleep, a shallow but very long sleep. I made it through the night, thankfully. But I wonder how much more I can bear this...

If only innocence can stay

It would be just this simple.

My Dears

Dear you,

For some time I had forgotten how it felt like to have butterflies in my stomach, that highschoolish feeling of being both nervous and excited at the same time. When I met you on a very special day, thru the magical language of rhythm, you made me forget that I was jaded.

So I liked you. And that's the sad thing about it. Because liking you has become the end instead of a beginning. We had chemistry, we enjoyed each other's company, even in just that very short time. But I could not comprehend what is it in your mind. I do not know who am I to you, I don't even know if you count me as a friend. Perhaps it was a cultural gap or the difference of our years, but whatever it was I just didn't want to remember you in a negative way, as at least I could try to keep you as a friend. That's why I let it pass, even when you made me a friend without a name, when a special moment just became simply a dinner at pizza hut. And just when I have finally got the courage to forget you and accept that you were just a moment, you suddenly appeared and tried to shake my world again. I gave it one more chance, I thought maybe this time you will let me understand you, even just as a friend. But still it was like the same as before and I cannot afford to endure any more confusion from trying to decipher your mystery. Maybe to you I was just part of your memory of Asia, a souvenir of your round the world adventure, to keep a link of your past. But I cannot let you do that, for I am also a present and a future, my friendship knows no distance nor time.

I wish I could actually say this to you but as like before, I will just end this in silence although with some littlest hope that maybe you will break the silence when you are ready to open up.

Dear fate,

Stop playing tricks on me! Pikon na ko eh.

I love being a travbuddy!

You can really find sincerely nice and friendly people here: www.travbuddy.com

This entry is not supposed to be like this

To begin with, the title should have been Gong Xi Fa Cai since today is the eve of Chinese New Year and I wanted to write something happy and light that commemorates this event. Like how I enjoy having the food bazaars all around Singapore during these times and how I am amused with all the real little ponkan fruits used as decors at the lobby or door entrances of offices here. I would also have wanted to write about being scared with the chinese dragon, especially when it does the dragon dance. I would have wanted to write something light, like how I am tryingto be just cheerful and just take things one day at a time. I would have been saying carpe diem, seize the day.

But instead here I am wanting to shout c'est la merde. All because of my career. I have been so patient and tolerant of all the challenges I have encountered, of all the surprises I have encountered: my baptismal by fire when my mentor suddenly quit barely two months when I joined the company, leaving me all alone to handle all the work in Asia; when 6 months after that my supervisor suddenly told me he would be transferred to another department and will be replaced by a new hiree, leaving me the primary manager for another major domain and managing myself for almost half a year; and barely 6 months after that, I just read from my email during my vacation in December that my most senior teammate was transferring to another department, leaving me again with of course, added responsibilities. I don't understand it anymore, how come everyone else can just move so suddenly and yet when now that I request to be moved just to another office they could not even give me a straight answer? To think that my request is not even demanding, evenso, there is a vacancy to that position I am asking and I am willing to wait for a year or 18 months as I was told. They say I am important to the company and they don't want me to go and yet I do not comprehend why they are doing this to me. How do they expect me not to worry about not getting my request when I do not even have the slightest assurance? How do they expect me to be optimistic when I told myself that if they made that one specific move now that I have expressed my intentions leading to my request it would be the ultimate indication that I am just holding on to an empty hope. How could I stop crying when it hurts, really hurts? I feel so cheated, so cheated from being taken away from a dream, from the life I so much wanted, from the warmth of the love I so much long for.

It is not fair, when I should be getting very excited about taking my flight tonight going back to my homeland for this long weekend, here I am ranting and crying instead. This is not fair, this is not at all fair.

Storytelling rediscovered

I rarely watch TV and I am not really into knowing what's the latest model of mobile phones but on this one time that I happen to watch TV, I was really awed by this Nokia N82 ad that it caught my full attention, like I was caught under a spell. It is so beautiful in everything -- the concept, the music, the enchanting words and voice of the narration, and how the words were shown in graphics, it is just truly amazing. This is one of the most beautiful illustrations of the harmonious mix of art, literature and technology, simple but surreal, I love it!