It was my kindred spirit that was missing, but thankfully I am starting to bounce back now. My trip to Malaysia last weekend with my friends helped as well as the encouragements I got from you and my friends. I think a big factor in the sadness I have been feeling was the adjustment I am having at work but now that I am getting the hang of the changes, I am feeling better. I think I also have been thinking too much deeply so right now I'm just trying to live life with a light heart and mind. You are definitely right, we choose to be happy so that's what I'm trying to do as I wake up everday, although it is hard not to think too much, because I am starting to feel that time is running fast, that I am getting old and now I want to be in the place that I know I will belong for the rest of my life and retire. I don't even know if I prefer uncertainty to certainty right now, because if being certain would mean I would be stuck where I am now, I feel sad just thinking about it, cause if I would be indeed I am almost sure I will be forever by myself, trying to earn money to sustain my material needs and fulfill my responsibilities...I don't want my sense of existence to just be that. Uncertainty, on the other hand, can offer opportunities for a better change, but of course the other side of the coin it could also mean the worse. But it's not that I detest my life right now, I don't. I do still keep in mind that I am thankful for all the blessings that God has given me. I do acknowledge that I have my family and friends who love me and appreciate me. Just that I feel this void, this nagging void who keep creeping up and trying to drain my energy that keeps me going as little miss congeniality. I am trying to fight it off, by now trying to be supergirl. But I discovered that even supergirl can feel frustration.
Here I go again, thinking too much. But I'll be fine, don't worry, I will shake this off...
7 comments:
We have to make the best of what we have.
Being single, you have greater mobility and less responsibility than I do. In many ways you have greater freedom in choosing what you want to do; you do not need to check with your spouse, you do not need to worry how it will impact the kids.
On the other hand. Being single, you wish to have a companion. Someone who will share you lifes burdens and joys with you. Someone who will encourage you, support you, dream with you.
As cliched as it sounds. The grass is always greener onthe other side (although, I must confess that my kids are my greatest treasures).
Here is a Sufi parable to give you something to think about (or maybe I am just showing off how much I have read. Again.):
There was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Good. Bad. Who know?," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "Good. Bad. Who knows," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Good. Bad. Who knows?," answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "Good. Bad. Who knows?," said the farmer.
I have been through midlife ansgt. I am still going through it. I am still trying to decide what I really want to do with my life. But, in the meantime, I have to feed my family. I often find it soul numbing. There must be more to life and I want to experience it before I die ... but I also have a family in tow. But ... to journey alone is also unsatisfying.
You might also want to head over to Mother of Invention's blog.
She has a song she recorded that plays when you enter her blog. I find it very nice and reflective and it you might find it meaningful in your current state.
it's a nice song indeed Richard.
let's drink to that missy.
could it be mid life crisis?
have we not just wanted a simple life amidst the intense reality of what the everyday challenges bring?
could it be that this has definitely sprung forth from the unwavering simplicity we've felt from that sand dune moments?
i too am a prisoner of such thoughts, but then, there is certainty to that fact that we have a choice to live despite.
I kinda know how u feel. But remember to be good to yrself first.
A very reflective post and I can empathize with you. I do a little too much thinking sometimes too and I've already had a teaching career behind me. You sound like you're young and at a crossroads. It's the fear or anxiety of the Unknown.
There is a plan for your life certainly and do not lose faith that you will find happiness or it shall find you.
Thanks to Richard for pointing out my song and to you for going to my site and listening to my song. The post with the words and pictures of recording it are on Jan. 27th post. (I think!)
Dearest all,
I am deeply moved for your thoughtfulness, thank you. It makes a big difference already knowing that there are people who care.
God bless.
dear miss coffee fairy,
i share the same dilemma also.. and u've described everything on this blog entry.. where u can't help but asking a thousand why's..
hope u'll be fine.. i know u will. just wanna share these lines from corrine may's song:
I often feel like I’m two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I’m stubborn in the things I believe
’cause maybe there’s another plan
One I still can’t see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see...
The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
"Everything in its time...
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