What's up and Wha-evah!

Two weeks of being back in Singapore and so far I am doing ok. Adjusting back to my life here was smoother than I expected, I did not feel my psychological system rejecting my coming back to reality.On the first week I was even feeling too light and cheerful, perhaps it was part of the effect of a major jetlag, I was at a lost about the time and my brain processing was very slow, like I was having memory lapses that a colleague at work kept correcting me when I said it's Wednesday while it's only Tuesday and I say again it's Wednesday on Thursday. But then I think it was more of the effect of the wonderful vacation I had in California that I was fully recharged plus of that one week in Paris, both events which made me have the motivation to have that drive again about my career and have a clearer direction in life. It's indeed refreshing to have a new perspective. There are many realizations that have dawned on me which made me take off all these unnecessary load I have been carrying which I should have not because I deserve to be happy, much as I want other people to be happy. I have let go of some inhibitions that seemed to be the reason for holding me back from spreading out my wings to fly. There are also some things that need not be poetic about, as sometimes a stone is just a stone and that's it, nothing more. On things that happen that hurts us or those we could not make sense of, we can dwell and drown on it or we can shrug it off and let it be. I choose the latter, because we could just dismiss it off, roll our eyes, say "wha-evah" and move on. Taking things lightly is not at all being shallow.

And so, this year marks a new beginning for a new me.

In this light, what's up and what's new with me ?

I am a walking lifebuoy
With three weeks of vacation in United States where the only part of my body that was getting some form of exercise was my digestive system, gaining 7 pounds was something I was already expecting. So now I have this great big bulge around my waistline and I could actually be a replacement for Grimace if he decides to have a break from mascotting. But of course, they should just be temporary, I have a full time job ya know, hehe :P

I am a little less sweet
That is, just only about my coffee. As you may know I like my coffee sweet and creamy. But we all know that too much sugar is not healthy, so I tried to change and use a sugar substitute instead. However, we also know that yes, sugar substitute will not give you diabetes but then againit could give you cancer. Between cancer and diabetes, I chose none and so last December I decided I was just going to take my coffee without sugar or sweetener. I thought I could not do it, but thanks to the inspiration of Dayohbee, I did it. So now I am taking my coffee just with milk or creamer. My next plan is to actually go away with the milk or creamer. We'll see ;)

I am losing my sense of fashion
I so love Sketchers bikers shoes and I could not decide whether to get the pair in white, black or brown so I bought three pairs for a very reasonable price (thanks to California outlet stores!). They are so comfortable and perfect for walking and commuting and after a month of not wearing my office shoes, I found it unbearable to wear high heeled shoes again. And I realized I don't have to endure all this discomfort and I would like to give my feet a rest. So I decided I would just wear my bikers to work, with my office clothes, never mind the fashion consequences. So if you see some little lady around the CBD in Singapore wearing something like a a blouse, slacks and bikers, that's most probably me.

I am now officially old
While washing my face on a one California morning, I noticed that one little strand of my hair seemed to a bit shiny. I thought it was just because of some dust or some particle on my hair but when I looked closer and touched it, I discovered that that little strand was almost grey! I wanted to tell myself it could just be some effect of the highlights I had done on my hair recently but noooo, I could see that tip of that little strand was still of the color of my hair, which meant that it was indeed just turning to grey. huhuhu. :( Hmm, what if this little grey hair is just a sign of something else ...(think of the 6th Sense movie), yikes, I'd rather just be turning old :P

Paris is sweeter the second time around

I only spent a week this time, I spent the first four days only working and sleeping, I only had one weekend to go sight seeing plus it was winter and the day was shorter. The last time I was here, I was here for three weeks in the summer, when the day was very long and I had all the timeto go around. And yet I think I've seen more this time than the last time.

Paris still looks the same, the grand Eiffel tower, the narrow streets, the amazing parking ability of the French, the intricate buildings, the food, the Metro, the tourists...though I think it is even grander in winter time. The only thing very different is that smoking is not anymore allowed inside restaurants, I cannot believe it myself that this was successfully implemented. Anyways, last time I have observed that Paris had different faces, but this time around I have seen a new face that I did not see before. And when I think about why I only discovered this face this time is because now I see it from another perspective, when before I was just merely a spectator/observer, this time I see it as being part of it. Perhaps its because now I was more ready, I knew what was to expect...and of course, now supergirl speaks and understands some basics of the language, it makes a big difference, really. Atleast now I could order food, plus say and answer basic questions. Then also, I think it made a big, big difference that I was with my teammates, my department has grown bigger and it felt so much different to be part of a team, to go on lunch together, and rant on the same things. So different from being alone in Singapore office where it is so hard to really belong because even if I am under the Singapore office, my department is in Paris office, and that makes my position quite awkward...

I never thought I would feel this way, but I surprised myself when I admitted to myself that yes, I could actually live here for a longer time. So I guess, I do have my French side too. Finally, I got the french kiss I was hoping before. ;-)

What a great way to discover that winter can actually be warmer than summer...

Chambre vingt-quatre

The world is crazy and I am tolerating it, and I have actually gone crazy myself.

I feel like I am the dumbest person in the world, yet I don't care. I feel scared and yet I feel excited. I did something very crazy. I surprise myself, no more miss softy-softy congeniality. I have to be tough to go on with a crazy world.

I told my boss that I am quitting from my job, and if they want to keep me, their only option was to fulfill my request, otherwise, they could start to look for my replacement. Although it may sound like I'm being such a demanding employee trying to use her indispensibility to get what she wants, it's not at all like that. My request was a result of a precedence, the sign I had been waiting for. What I did was a big risk. I had no back up plan actually so I could not believe that I had all that guts. But that was how much I wanted to show them I am dead serious about my request. I want it so badly because it is one big step to getting to the dream I almost gave up on. It was the only thing that made me look forward about going to Paris, to speak to my boss about it. I wanted to make it clear to my boss how dead serious I was with it.

And I think I made it quite clear indeed. Our CIO personally talked to me last Thursday evening, about my request. He gave me his assurance about fulfulling my request, although not soon, but in about a year, 18 months or so. It was a good talk I suppose, as it was sort of a compromise, with plans laid out to me in which I know what to expect. Although, nothing is written in stone, but I got his word. I am not really sure what he was really feeling, I was thinking they could just fire me right then and there to show me that I am not indispensible, but to my astonishment, he instead asked me to extend my stay in Paris (I was supposed to go back to Singapore last Saturday). I guess I am important after all.

A colleague told me I am underestimating my power. I think she's right and it made me realize to assert myself more, to speak up and be in charge. I have learned new things about myself, about what I am capable of and not. There is a different perspective to things, about expectations. I realized that some aspects of life is like a game, and in order to keep on with it, I just got to learn how to play along. And oh yes, I'm going to play this game.

Déjà vu

From my hotel and our office, the Eiffel Tower is just a few meters away.

It is a grand sight and I know that I am very privileged to have the option to see it each day while I am here in Paris, just like two years ago.

But really, I would rather see this once with you, than be here a thousand times alone.

Tell me, who are you?

3 continents in 56 hours

Impossible?????

Not at all !

Try this:
(all times in local time)

Saturday Jan 5 , North America
1pm - From California, fly to Asia

Monday Jan 7 , Asia
1:30 am - Arrive in Singapore
2am to 4am - Pack my things
4am to 7am - Sleep
9am to 8pm - Work in Singapore office
8pm to 8:30pm - Go to Changi airport straight from office
11:30pm - Fly to Europe

Tuesday Jan 8 , Europe
6am - Arrive in Paris
11am to 7pm - Work in Paris office
7:30pm - Knocked out Zzzzzzzzzzzzz



Yup, I am still alive ;P

Going back to reality

5 January 2008
4:10pm California local time

On board flight SQ11 going to Singapore from Los Angeles via Tokyo (Narita).

A gaily Sesame street Christmas song is playing from my earphones and yet I am holding back an impending sob. A happy French movie (Odette Toulemonde) and an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond made me temporarily amused for 3 hours but now, as more hours pass by, more and more I am becoming nearer to the reality I left three weeks ago. I am trying to make it start to sink in, for I have to accept now that in about 12 hours I will be back to the life where I only have myself to look after me, where I have to be back to playing the game of Monopoly.

(I could not hold back my tears anymore, I am sure I look like I've gone nuts -- laughing a while ago as I watched on the inflight entertainment system and then now sobbing uncontrollably)

When I started my own life by standing on my own two feet three years ago, I opened a gateway leading to different roads. I knew where I wanted to go but I didn't know for certain how to get there. So I had to take different routes, taking my chance on every road that opened. Like a trickle of water, I flowed to where the cracks in the road lead me to.
In that circumstance, it was a sort of letting go of a dream, for I didn't want to get hurt if I would not be able to go to the direction I wanted to go. And for a moment I just stood there, waiting for someone to tell me where to go, to tell me what is my purpose. I was too scared of failing that I denied to myself that dream. Although, it was indeed almost inevitable to be on that phase, for we know that achieving a dream requires not only personal effort, but also that stars would connive, when it coincides to the great plan the Big Guy has for you.

The scare does not even end there. As when you finally start to feel we could be getting to our destination, the anticipation takes your breath away, for your hopes are up. This is where I am now, a point where I am so near yet so far from getting there...when things are contingent and beyond my control. And so as I look back to where I started three years ago, I pray that it will be the indication of the beginning of a new reality -- the one that I've been dreaming of all along.