Happy New Year, pull your ear! :)

I got that from hubby. He said it's a greeting his family has come up with because it rhymes. I find it cute that he also pronounces ear as year :p

So here we are, the start of another year. Hubby and I met this year with a prayer. At midnight we looked up in the sky and prayed to God to grant us our hearts' wishes. I feel that indeed the year 2011 will be good to us.

My new year's resolution is to have a positive outlook in life and to strengthen my faith. The year 2010 was quite challenging, and I've seen how I made these challenges weaken me. I let it drain my positivity in life. I watched my life go by without living it. I had sulked down on special ocassions instead of celebrating them. I did not appreciate my blessings and I focused on frustrating on what I didn't have. I risked straining personal relationships. I made myself feel like my life has been pointless.

I will not let these continue anymore.

I will be happy and stay happy. I will be patient and I will always be thankful. I do not have to be insecure.

I will trust God. I will keep reminding myself of the Big Plan.

Cheers to becoming the new improved me! :)

~Wishing you all a great 2011~

Final Answer

Question: When is it time to quit your job?

a. When you started out with a very good positive outlook, tried your very best to contribute to the improvement of your team and be miss congeniality but you still ended up being treated unprofessionally?

b. When you experience stereotyping and racist remarks?

c. When you are already getting nightmares about work?

d.When your confidence is getting trashed which results to the start of straining your personal relationships?

e. When you can't sleep anymore because you are scared of what lies ahead on the next working day?

f. And when you're able to sleep you still wake up earlier than your alarm due to anxiety on what would happen at the start of business day?

g. When you feel like having a heart attack whenever the phone rings? And your phone is constantly ringing.

h. When your left eye starts to have involuntary twitching at the thought of going back to work?

i. When you lose your appetite?

j. All of the above.

I have tendered my resignation from work today and this time, I am not taking it back. This would not be a surprising news for those who know me, I guess. I think by now I have already gotten the reputation of being a job quitter. I know it gives the impression that I give up so easily when things get tough or that my expectations are too high. I've started to doubt myself too but then I now know I shouldn't.

I don't think I am being a coward for quitting because it actually takes a lot of courage to stand by your principles and retain your self esteem than just hold on to the agony that is eating your dignity piece by piece.

I am taking another big risk, I know. I still have not forgotten the difficulties I faced looking for a new job a few months back. I am bracing myself for this, yes, but I am still hopeful that I will finally find the right match.

As Kenny Rogers said, "Don’t be afraid to give up the good to go for the great."

And I don't think he was talking about chicken. ;-)

In Between

I have less than 24 hours to enjoy this break. I am not looking forward to going back to the life I left back there. Yet I also know that it's just a matter of a few more days and I'll start to be uneasy here as well.

I feel so lost. A feeling so familiar. That which I felt a couple of years ago, that which I felt a few more years before that, as well as when I was in my teens. But the big difference now is that I feel so weak. I feel like just giving up the fight, because it hurts so much. I know I used to be stronger than this, and I wonder what has become of me that I am now like this, eaten up by insecurities and...envy.

Yes, envy for the things that I don't have. And I am not even talking about material things. I don't know why now all these regrets are now surfacing up. Well ok, I think I do know why...because things are not happening as how I hoped it would be so I start to doubt myself and the big plan for me. It is because I am in this phase of the in between, that awkward state where I belong to neither this nor that group. And I do not know how long I will be in this phase. This is what's killing me.

I feel so dead inside. So cold. I think this is my defense mechanism acting up. My heart has been covered up to withstand those little cuts. However, by doing this, it has also made me become jaded.

I know I lack faith. I should believe and be hopeful. I am trying my best to, really. But then whenever I just start to be on track again, something will just suddenly pop the bubble I am at and then I find myself face to face with what I was protecting myself from. It is not fair, it being even just coincidental.

What has happened to me? What will happen to me?

I need your help. Please, save me.

All I Want For Christmas...

...is a miracle.

Cold Water and The Prayer

I thought I was doing ok already but yesterday it came back creeping on me, consuming me, trying to drain out the little happiness that I was holding on to for motivation. I know what started it, then I saw what was coming, and yet I didn't resist it. Instead, I embraced self pity like an old friend.

Then today I got perhaps what I deserved for being such a baby. Cold water splashed right onto my face. Ice cold water that froze my heart. It hurt because I didn't expect that the source would be from where I used to get warmth. I realized that there are really circumstances in life that you can never really expect others to understand until they can actually relate with it. There are some longing that you'll never know will ache until you are already feeling them.

The day went by so slow but thankfully I got thru the day with the prayer below:

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

And this Bible verse gave me comfort:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

December six to ten

Monday - I quit my job.

Tuesday - My boss talked some sense to me. It worked. So now I've still got a job.

Wednesday - Hubby got summoned by the traffic police officer for crossing the road on a red light (yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is Singapore!). Hubby was very frustrated. I talked some sense to him. It worked. Not just for him but for me as well.

Thursday (today) - Took the train from work and went to Orchard Road by myself. Went for some Christmas shopping, had Peppermint mocha frap in Starbucks, wrote down in my journal.
Enjoyed this very much, haven't done this in a long time. Took mental note to do this from time to time.
Happy again.

Friday (tomorrow) - I hope the happiness still lasts.