There are so many things in my mind right now.
I usually do a lot of thinking sitting down and staring into nothingness and yet for me, is the most tiring thing I do.
It didn't help that I could not connect to the remote machine I use to access our databases. In short, I could not do my work and that left me with more time to continue pondering what to do. What a great timing (sigh).
I could not even look forward to lunch break, because there's nothing to look forward to, as it is another thing to think about -- what and where would I eat this time? It doesn't make a difference because I'd be eating alone anyway. For the past weeks, especially the past few days, I have been losing my appetite for lunch. I don't feel like eating at all.
But yeah, I needed to eat to continue breathing and oh yes, thinking. So I decided to have lunch in Orchard Road, which is a kilometer stretch of road lined up with malls on both sides. It was 10 minutes away from the business district where I work. I chose to go there as I felt it would take my mind off from the things I think about. At least I had some destination and I knew I was going somewhere and I already knew what to order for lunch.
But now that lunch break is over, I am back at my desk again staring into nothingness.
I should not have made those phone calls last night. I should have kept my mouth shut. But why do I have to blame everything on myself?
Now not only have I shut my mouth, I am not smiling anymore.
I usually do a lot of thinking sitting down and staring into nothingness and yet for me, is the most tiring thing I do.
It didn't help that I could not connect to the remote machine I use to access our databases. In short, I could not do my work and that left me with more time to continue pondering what to do. What a great timing (sigh).
I could not even look forward to lunch break, because there's nothing to look forward to, as it is another thing to think about -- what and where would I eat this time? It doesn't make a difference because I'd be eating alone anyway. For the past weeks, especially the past few days, I have been losing my appetite for lunch. I don't feel like eating at all.
But yeah, I needed to eat to continue breathing and oh yes, thinking. So I decided to have lunch in Orchard Road, which is a kilometer stretch of road lined up with malls on both sides. It was 10 minutes away from the business district where I work. I chose to go there as I felt it would take my mind off from the things I think about. At least I had some destination and I knew I was going somewhere and I already knew what to order for lunch.
But now that lunch break is over, I am back at my desk again staring into nothingness.
I should not have made those phone calls last night. I should have kept my mouth shut. But why do I have to blame everything on myself?
Now not only have I shut my mouth, I am not smiling anymore.
Miss congeniality is tired of understanding the world.
P.S.
I need that blackhole. Can somebody tell me how to get to the other dimension please?
6 comments:
I feel really badly for you because I can so understand wanting to disappear.
You want to reach out, but don't know to whom. You don't want pity, you don't want sympathy. You want someone to care. You want someone of their own initiative to respond to you and you don't understand why friends don't seem to notice the loneliness.
People talk of finding peace and tranquility. As someone who went through a very protracted period of soul searching, I cannot say that I have found the stillness within me. Time has passed and I have gotten better, but this has nothing to do (as far as I can tell) with some great insight and understanding I have gained - because I haven't gained any. I still pretty much understand and believe as I always have. My situation is still the same (actually a bit worse, since I am now separated even more from my family, my children - who will quickly grow out of my life and I will have missed them).
The change in me, is more like the change in weather. For a long while, a shadow covered my soul and the rays sun was absent. One day the clouds left and now the sun warms my soul.
This feeling will pass. That is all I can say. It may take a day, a month, a year, or 10 years ... I don’t know. There are things you can do to help yourself - enjoy the company of genuine friends, surround yourself with those who honestly care.
Words are easy enough to say, to implement them, to carry them out, to find gentle and healing companions is hard.
I pray for you.
Take care.
Hi Foyan
Hope u r feeling better already..
I truly hope I can be of a shoulder to cry and lend u an ear to listen..truly and sincerely..just drop in my-email.
Just look at it the positive side...things are not that bad, it can still be mended, just wait and see, everything will be fine..
I'll always be here for you if you need me..ok dear..
Dearest Richard,
"You want to reach out, but don't know to whom. You don't want pity, you don't want sympathy. You want someone to care. You want someone of their own initiative to respond to you and you don't understand why friends don't seem to notice the loneliness." -- Yes! That is exactly how I feel!
But the good thing about me now is I have learned not to dwell anymore in whatever is keeping me down. Besides keeping my faith, I do this thru finding the humour in each situation so as not to make things heavy. Just that this time, I was not able to find the humour in that situation so I got frustrated.
Prayers are indeed the best gift. Thank you so much for your prayers Richard, I feel so much better now. I will be praying for you as well. May there be more good people in the world like you. :)
Dearest Sassy,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for consoling me. I am really so happy I have met wonderful people in the world thru my blog.
I feel much much better now but I think a kway teow would be perfect (heehee) :P
Thank you both so much! *HUGS*
don't worry. Weekend's here.
Thanks Cavalock! Happy weekend!
I am glad you are feeling better ... but I suspected it would sooner rather than later. I have never known a Filipina who was ever down for more than a short time. I think it is in your blood that you must be happy (I think I have mentioned before in your blog that I think Filipinos are the happiest people I have ever met)
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