Question: Do you (as a family or friend) have the right to say who is worthy for someone close to you?
I do think I am objective when I say I am not a judgemental person. I give second chances (or more) to people because I know first impressions are not usually encouraging. More often than not, a person we initially thought we cannot be more than acquaintances with can actually turn out to be a good friend. That's why I don't just judge a person and just say this person is not worth it without having any material basis. I have learned that when we truly love someone, we love so much even to the point that we still try to see the good in that person even if the person has wronged us big time. However, I have also learned (unfortunately, the hard way) that:
I do think I am objective when I say I am not a judgemental person. I give second chances (or more) to people because I know first impressions are not usually encouraging. More often than not, a person we initially thought we cannot be more than acquaintances with can actually turn out to be a good friend. That's why I don't just judge a person and just say this person is not worth it without having any material basis. I have learned that when we truly love someone, we love so much even to the point that we still try to see the good in that person even if the person has wronged us big time. However, I have also learned (unfortunately, the hard way) that:
There is a thin line between martyrdom and stupidity.
There is a thin line between selflessness and putting yourself down to the pits.
Martyrdom and selflessness have a good cause behind them and will be benefitting the world, stupidity and putting yourself down to the pits is pretending you have no other better choice so you hold on to the broken pieces of an egg shell in the hope of putting it all back together. But even children can tell you that "All the king's horses and all the king's men could not put humpty dumpty together again."
Of course I agree that no two persons are the same, and not all love stories are the same, nor even fairytales, but I also do believe that there is an obvious indication that a person is not worthy of you: when that person brings out the worst in you rather than bring out the best in you. A person who brings out the worst in you does not love you.
I don't really believe that love is like a "you and me against the world" drama. Because unless you don't care about your family and friends, and they are people who you think don't want the best for you, or who you think are just purely the contrabidas in a telenovela who wants to make your life miserable, I'm sure that you will always wish that the one that you love not only have won your heart but your family and friends as well.
Yes, I may not be the best person to be saying all these, having been into three failed relationships myself and suffering from the bitterness they have caused up to now. But then again, I do feel I have the right to give my two cents on this, because I have been through the pits and I know how it feels to be deceived, to be made a big joke and to be treated like shit. I have learned when over is over (and that is when you have exerted your best and yet you still don't understand why he still won't love you back like he used to). I am just thankful I was able to let go before it got any worse, at least I woke up before it was too late. I survived and so now I live with still a sane mind to tell about it and save people from going through the same thing.
My intention is always for the happiness of the people close to my heart. I do not want them to suffer. So I hope and pray that the true love from the heart prevails, not disillusions of a tricked mind.
7 comments:
Well written. You are right, the test of whether a relationship is good or not is not how it makes us feel, but whether it helps to make us a better person.
I don't know the particulars of the relationship you are referring to, but I like your broken eggs analogy. I remember a friend whose bf cheated on her, the relationship was over, yet she kept throwing herself at him. Sometimes I wanted to shake her. Of course, I could see the relationship was not good for her, she started becoming more self conscious, her styles and dress changed, she was being influenced by her bf, but would not accept it. Many years later, I am still her friend, but the ex is nowhere to be seen.
I have a big problem with understanding relationships because I always see people doing it backwards - they get into a relationship and then look for reasons why it is the one, I think you should first look for reasons why the person would make a good partner and then get into a relationship. OF course, I am not typical and sometimes it bugs me.
I believe most people who fell in love at least in one point of their lives will agree with me that love can really drive you nuts and make you do stupid things you didn't even know you are capable of doing or oppose your beliefs. It's the very nature of emotion to defy what is logically right or socially acceptable that makes it undeniably insane. Although we are in agreement that it is not healthy to allow this surge of feelings to rule one's rationale, whoever falls for the love spell will likely be submissive to its hallucinations for a long, long time. There may be no universally appropriate answer to that question but I think what's important is how selfless one's intentions are. A loved one's sincere concern and support might seem worthless for a moment but I strongly belive that it will be most treasured when that person finally wakes up from the nightmare and finds their loved ones there -- always loving, unceasingly caring, eternally understanding and forever guiding.
Thanks Richard and cosmo chick for your insights.
"Sometimes I wanted to shake her" --> exactly how I feel like doing.
The human mind is very powerful, once you condition it that you are helpless, you will be, and it'll be hard change it once convinced. =(
first, belated happy birthday! =)
second, i like your write up. like what richard has said (although i don't know him...hehehe)...well written and beautifully expressed.
i had the same dilemma before and in my intention to help my friend, had damaged the friendship we shared. i still regret the outcome but i think that if it happened again, i might find it difficult to just sit still and watch my friend destroy herself. it's really a balancing act.
i don't envy you right now but my advice is to just watch and give advice when asked. grab every opportunity. however, when she doesn't ask - don't give it. she may not be ready =)
Thanks Joy! (both for the bday greeting and for sharing your insights). =)
I have told my part and that is all I can only do so now I am just backing-off because it's not up to me to decide. I'm just hoping and praying that all will end well with this conflict.
Hello coffee fairy, it's a cliche, but love really DOES make one blind. It's good to be concerned especially to someone close to you, but like what Joy says, she may not be ready. I tried to help my best friend before, but she ended up hating me for saying bad stuff about her guy. We lost touch since then. After a year, she suddenly appeared at my doorstep, crying her eyes out coz she "found out". I could have said my "I told you so's", but I just hugged her and didnt say a word. I knew she finally woke up adn got to her senses, that's enough for me.
It's funny why we don't listen to good advice nor do we learn from the experiences of others. We just have to experience that "fall" ourselves before we're taught. Don't worry, it's better she learn it the hard way rather than you shaking her up prematurely (she might just go back and do it all over again coz she's not ready, or due to those what-ifs). Sometimes it's best to let her stumble and learn on her own... in her own time. Yes, she might get hurt along the way or might even hurt others, but it'll be worth it. Just be there when she needs a friend. By the way, belated happy birthday!
hi Anonymous! thanks for sharing your insights and for the birthday greetings. Indeed, I am just here waiting for her to finally be strong enough to wake up.
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