Chambre vingt-quatre

The world is crazy and I am tolerating it, and I have actually gone crazy myself.

I feel like I am the dumbest person in the world, yet I don't care. I feel scared and yet I feel excited. I did something very crazy. I surprise myself, no more miss softy-softy congeniality. I have to be tough to go on with a crazy world.

I told my boss that I am quitting from my job, and if they want to keep me, their only option was to fulfill my request, otherwise, they could start to look for my replacement. Although it may sound like I'm being such a demanding employee trying to use her indispensibility to get what she wants, it's not at all like that. My request was a result of a precedence, the sign I had been waiting for. What I did was a big risk. I had no back up plan actually so I could not believe that I had all that guts. But that was how much I wanted to show them I am dead serious about my request. I want it so badly because it is one big step to getting to the dream I almost gave up on. It was the only thing that made me look forward about going to Paris, to speak to my boss about it. I wanted to make it clear to my boss how dead serious I was with it.

And I think I made it quite clear indeed. Our CIO personally talked to me last Thursday evening, about my request. He gave me his assurance about fulfulling my request, although not soon, but in about a year, 18 months or so. It was a good talk I suppose, as it was sort of a compromise, with plans laid out to me in which I know what to expect. Although, nothing is written in stone, but I got his word. I am not really sure what he was really feeling, I was thinking they could just fire me right then and there to show me that I am not indispensible, but to my astonishment, he instead asked me to extend my stay in Paris (I was supposed to go back to Singapore last Saturday). I guess I am important after all.

A colleague told me I am underestimating my power. I think she's right and it made me realize to assert myself more, to speak up and be in charge. I have learned new things about myself, about what I am capable of and not. There is a different perspective to things, about expectations. I realized that some aspects of life is like a game, and in order to keep on with it, I just got to learn how to play along. And oh yes, I'm going to play this game.