Other more time worthy stuff

(In no particular order)

1. Inquire about Pump tennis (http://www.mbpsports.com/)
2. Spring clean our flat: my bedroom, my bathroom, the kitchen, laundry area, dining area, living room, foyer...everything!
3. Think of a way to actually make myself do a regular maintenance cleaning of our flat.
4. Read my backlog books and my new books.
5. Organize my personal documents.
6. Write more thoughts.
7. Review my elementary french and start on intermediate.
8. Use up my remaining movie vouchers before Sept 17
9. Take a photo of this certain gazebo I fancy.
10. Do not let myself think of work outside office hours.
11. Go out more with friends.
12. Think about investments(?)
13. Learn to bake.
14. Sign up at marathons.
15. Volunteer at YMCA.
16. Plan a travel with my parents.
17. Find a way to get to Guam from Singapore in December without getting broke.
18. Change my tennis racket handle grip.
19. Print my parents' travel photos.
20. Clean up, organize and back up my files.
21. Get new curtains for the living room and my bedroom.
22. Organize my playlists in my Zen player.
23. Attend more dance classes.
24. Inquire on flute lessons.
25. Create a website for my little sister's church wedding.
26. Go for a regular swim in our condo's pool.
27. Ride the luge in Sentosa.
28. Catch up with people I miss.
29. Buy pillowcases in Chinatown that my mother wanted.
30. Find out how to make my pimples disappear and not appear again.
31. Go to church.
32. Create that concluding blog entry.


There, that should keep me occupied!

Fascination and Hyperventilation

These two are parts in the cycle that I have seem to be into in relation with men eversince I made myself available in the ocean.

Fascination would be the first part. A man gets fascinated with me, maybe because I am friendly, I am bubbly. And perhaps because I have that naive look on me and then he gets amused to find out that I am actually capable of becoming daring.

Then I get serious. I fall for him. And I start to show my deep, thinking side.

Which leads to the second part of the cycle: hyperventilation. Hyperventilation is when you cannot breathe properly; you take breaths in short intervals, like you are running out of air, gasping; and your heart beats faster than normal; it would be like that of an asthma attack, I suppose. This happens because at some point, I would encounter an experience that would indicate to me that this man's fascination to me has ended. It will happen in such a way that I would feel like an ice cold pail of water is thrown on my head, at the moment I am not expecting it. Then yes, the hyperventilation follows after. The pail of water actually has a pattern too -- usually, it'll be in the form of another woman.

So it'll hurt. After all the effort and putting your guards down to express that you like him, you would get an in-your-face-slap of icing that says the joke is on you.

Well, ok, maybe I'm just gullible. And I guess it's just me and all of what I'm doing are all just self-inflicted?
Hello?!?!? Why would I want to torture myself?!?!

Fine, if that's the name of the game, then I'm outta it. Am I sounding so bitter now? Hmm, I'm not really bitter. I'm just tired. I'm tired of all these games that men play. I don't find it flattering at all to be approached by men who think I'm an easy prey. Before, I used to give the benefit of the doubt and extend my patience but now I just want to put a sign board in front of me to say:

"Stay away if you just want to play. Please don't waste my time. I'm a good girl. And even if I tried to be wild, the thing is, I was designed to be just the girl-next-door. I'm not somebody made to be just a fling. I'm someone you bring home to your parents. I'm naive, I'm gullible.Oh, I'm boring? Fine. I'm sure you'll find lots of fun girls out there, I am not competing with them. Bye."

Anyway, my point is, I am really, really, really, tired from all of this. I am tired of being like always up on my toes, waiting for the catch, you know that pail of water to end it all even when things seemed to be happy. I'm just so done with all these. I am not letting it happen again. I don't care if I would seem unreceptive or cold, I am not exerting extra effort anymore, even if I like him.

But what if I finally have met Mr. Right? Well, too bad, since he came at this point, he just have to endure the consequences that the other Mr. Wrongs have brought about. I know I am not being fair, but at this point, I have to take precaution now, I have to take care of myself or totally lose the remaining trust I have left for the male specie. Besides, if he is the Mr. Right, he would stick around, to break the cycle, to tell me that he is staying and that he is not just passing through my life. He is going to melt the heart that I have already frozen. And there is no catch, just sincere true love.

There, all's said. Now, let's move on to other more time worthy stuff.

When You and Me is You and Me and not Just Me

I've just attended a friend's civil wedding. It was my first time to actually witness a Singapore Rites of Marriage ceremony (bride and groom are Filipino). It was a simple ceremony held at the living room of their flat, with a few friends gathered. And I was deeply moved as I cannot help but admire the sincerity of their wedding. You can really see how true friends help you make your special day be really special, no matter how simple; from their flatmates who decorated their place, a simple program organized, friends who took the the photographs and video.

During the ceremony, when they were saying their vows and signing their marriage certificate, I realized to myself that oh my God, we are really adults now and we can actually get married to anyone at anytime if we want to, no matter what anyone says. My friends are a few years younger than I and they made a decision to spend the rest of their lives together, no matter what, no matter if there were objections from anyone. And I admired them for that, as I know what they have gone through, how they have fought for their love. I admire my friend very much, for being strong because she knows how much she loves him, and I admire her husband, because he took his stand for her, that's how much he loves her. It makes my heart feel warm, that in these modern times when things get more and more jaded, there are still love stories like my friends' which proves that love, yes, that romantic love that bursts out with determination, still exists.

I can't help but remember my first love that I gave up. The story was similar as my friends', only it did not end the same obviously. Everyone did not understand why I gave it up, everyone thought we were a perfect couple and it was a perfect relationship. It wasn't. And I wouldn't have given up if I knew that I wasn't alone in my battle. It wasn't even a you-and-me-against-the-world drama, it was just mine. I have no regrets for ending that relationship, I felt sad for the good memories, yes, because I know he loved me sincerely, but I knew that it wasn't enough and it had to end and even if anyone ask me now, 5 years after it ended, if I would still do the same, I would answer a straight yes, I would still decide the same. There are certain things that just wasn't meant to be and you just know that it is already over.

Focus, focus

Don't let the rain get you.

Breathe...

Focus, focus.

I can do this.

Bon courage....