Make up my mind

I was a late bloomer in terms of makeup. Though I did put on some lip gloss from time to time when I was still in University, it was only when I was about 22 and I started to work that I put on some face powder and a little eye shadow. I was 25 when I finally embraced the full ensemble - foundation, blush, mascara, eye color and liner, and made it part of my day to day routine. 
But I've always made my makeup simple. I tried to make it as "thin" and "natural" as much as possible because I just want to put on makeup to enhance my looks but not to alter it. 
Also, I do not want to be dependent on makeup. I still would like to be confident 
in my own makeup-less face. My idea is this: if makeup production suddenly stopped or if I got transported to a world without makeup it should not be a problem for me because I would still look "normal" without it, hehehe. You know what I mean ;)

Recently though, I did not put on make up one time and a friend said I looked pale, not knowing that I just did not put on my usual makeup. So that made me think twice about not putting on make up. There are also times when I try not to put on makeup when going out to do an errand like grocery shopping but I sometimes feel insecure so I wish that I won't bump into anybody I know. Hmmm, so I guess I have turned into what I was avoiding not to turn into :/

So right now I am trying to "go back to natural". I am trying to get used to not putting on makeup so often and try to look nice naturally. And I have a very good motivation to do this: my baby girl. I try not to put on makeup when I'm with her so I could cuddle and play with her 
without getting worried that I'll contaminate her face and hands (she loves to touch and play with my face) with chemicals. Also, I try to use makeup made of natural ingredients like that of Body shop's...

Alright, let's see how this new me goes ;)

Just be fluffy

That's supposed to be my continuous mantra. It makes life easier, lighter and happier. 

But there are really times when it is really hard to be fluffy, especially when things get frustrating. 

But then again, I really should not take things too seriously. I just need to be just fluffy so everything would just be cool. 

When work gets stressful, when there seems to be a never ending list of house chores, when you encounter rude people, when things are not happening the way I hope it to be, I should just tell myself that these do not mean the end of the world so I should just pause, smell the flowers and see the humorous side of it all. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I just need a new haircut. 

*bow*

My current food obsession

Since my blog is screaming all negative lately, I thought I'd try writing about something nice that makes me feel good. So today I would like to introduce you to my current food obsession, Korean bibimbap. 

I would order this for lunch at least once a week from the food court in my office building. Yummy!

Dr. Frankenstein

So I think there is usually this child in the family that you seem to find cute to just test her assertiveness because she seems sharp, right? 

I used to wonder when I was a child why my extended family always made me go into lengthy discussions with them about any random topic. I felt like I was always being put into a hot seat all the time. Well, when I grew up, I was told that as a child I had an answer for everything so they thought they would practice and test my sharpness by pretending to always try to disprove what I was saying. They said I'd make a good lawyer. 

My friends, please, no matter how you think it is cute to see how a child could try her best to prove herself, do not do it. Let the child be just a child. Don't make things complicated for them. Give them the chance to feel confident of themselves and to trust. Otherwise, the repercussions are high. I've been spending decades now trying to rebuild myself and I tell you, it is not easy and as you can most probably already see from this blog, I have relapses. 

Dear God, I am trying my best to become the best model for my daughter but may she grow up to be a better version of me. 

The price of working in IT

Jobs in the Information Technology industry is one of the relatively high paying jobs because of the supposed specialized technological skill you need to possess. 

But you know what, I think people in IT is paid much not really just because of the technological skill but more of the stress that you get in working in this industry. It's been 11 years now (wow! it's been that long now?!?) that I've been in IT and my gosh, the stress is consistent. You really need to have a way to motivate and recharge yourself to keep from burning out. Really. 

On the side note, it is quite an irony that you're supposed to work with the assumption that everyone in the IT department were hired because of their technological knowledge in their field and yet oftentimes you still get asked to give instructions in a for dummies detail. Duh. 

Self esteem worth $20

I've just lost $20. I remember putting it in my pocket but when I was about to pay I could not find it. I checked my bag and nothing. I must have dropped it. How perfect! Just when I am hoping to at least feel good on a bad day by purchasing some sanity, I've even lost money just like that. As usual, I blame it on the absent minded me, the one who always shows up whenever my self esteem feels trampled on.

This is the last straw! I am tired, tired of being strong when I am actually not. I am fragile, but I think everyone thinks I am not. In fact, I have the reputation of being the uptight one, the killjoy, the one who pops your bubble, hence, I'm supposed to be the rationale one. Heck, I can't even be allowed to feel any irrational feeling! I'm not supposed to feel jealous, I'm not supposed to feel that I need more appreciation. How come she can be like that, he could be like that and everybody's ok with that but when it's me who acts vulnerable or emotional I'm being immature?

Can't they see that I am losing my faith in myself already?

Last week, in my baby's routine check up, her paediatrician was so impressed with my baby's big leap of improvement in her gross motor skills over the past two months and said "Mommy did a good job!" I should be happy to hear that right? But guess what, I could not even make myself take credit for that! I am doubting myself. Could it really be me  who made her achieve that even if I only spend full time with her two days a week when I'm not at work for the past 2 months?!?

I know this is alarming, what I'm feeling. That's why I am going to do something about it. I am going to be selfish. I am going to think of myself for now. I need to heal my self esteem. I am tired of being strong.

I am weak, I am emotional and I am irrational. And I don't have to explain myself for that.

Breathe

Is it actually possible for a fish to drown?