Sundown

There is one time of the day that I dread most waking up to: during sunset. I feel so sad and scared when I open my eyes and see it is almost dark. That's why I don't really like to take afternoon naps, besides the fact that it will keep me awake the whole evening. I've been thinking why I feel this way about it, and I think it is because usually when I wake up at this time most people at home would be up and about, maybe already eating dinner, or at the living room watching TV, while I am all alone feeling left out. Back home in the Philippines, or when in California, this feeling does not stay long, because all I have to do is get up and go out of my room and join my family. Then I'll be happy and fine.

Yesterday, I slept at 6pm, one hour before the sun goes down. It was not a deep sleep, as after some hours or so, I felt I was starting to wake up. I think I tried to open my eyes and when I saw it was dark, I immediately tightly closed my eyes again. I didn't want to wake up, not yet, not at that time. Then I started to feel that dreaded feeling again. But this time it was more intense, I was more scared, because I could feel how alone I was. I have no family that I could join in the living room.Then I start to think how sad my life is, that even my only recourse of going online to talk to my family and friends who mightbe online or suf the internet to keep me occupied has been taken away from me (my laptop crashed and would not start up anymore last Saturday). I started to think how pathetic I was, crying over at the bus stop outside HP's service center after I brought my laptop in for repair and realized how stupid and unfortunate I am. Being in the Information Technology, I should have known better and should have had a back up of my files. Then I think about my career, which is now as unclear as my lovelife. I started to think how nothing in my life is in order. There could have not been any better symbolism of a life crashing with my laptop that crashed.

I had to fight off these thoughts of course, so I went back to sleep, a shallow but very long sleep. I made it through the night, thankfully. But I wonder how much more I can bear this...