I woke up today feeling something different than my usual mornings as I prepared to go to work...
I heard thunder and heavy rain which made me wake up before my alarm rang. But I still dozed off and waited for my alarm to ring before actually getting up.When I went out of our flat, the rain has stopped, but the clouds remained grey, the surroundings were wet, the air was cool..the kind of weather that the Philippines has during June, when school year starts.
So perhaps it was why as I walked going to the bus stop, I felt this familiar good feeling, that feeling of my childhood back in the Philippines...during the time when it was the first day of school - something I was excitedly looking forward to when I was a child. It's not that I was a school nerd(hmm, well, ok to some extent, yeah), I just like the idea of new books, new classmates, new teachers, new beginnings, a new start, a new chapter of things...
It is what we call Hope...something that keeps me going and yet also something that I am afraid of sometimes, because by being so hopeful, I can become also naive and gullible. I am afraid of that cycle that usually happens when I would start to dream -- I would become like a dainty girl from Pleasantville with a big smile plastered on her face... then suddenly, one day, something will happen to make a 180 degree turn and would give me that feeling like a pail of ice-cold water was poured over my head. It's not that I am a pessimist, just that it is my way of putting my defenses up to shield me from potential disappointments. I know this is not a good way, but this is what works right now, so this is. But I do pray that one day, this perspective will change and I will no longer have to hold my breath or close my eyes.
Perhaps this good feeling is just nothing else but because I am happy that I was able to make myself call Papa before the day ended yesterday to greet him a happy birthday...
No comments:
Post a Comment